Saturday, January 31, 2009
Morally Bankrupt
Why do I keep intoxicating myself with someone so morally bankrupt?
"If he doesn't love you the way he should, then let it go." - Keyshia Cole
"If he doesn't love you the way he should, then let it go." - Keyshia Cole
Friday, January 30, 2009
But The Truth Remains
After all the mistakes have been forgiven. After all the hurt and regrets have been realized. After all our angers and tempers settled down. After all that's said and done. The truth remains... your love is gone.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Time For Another Mike Minute
Mike: So what did you have for breakfast?
Mark: I had a delicious, hot bowl of nothing this morning.
Mike: Well, I'm having a banana.
Mark: Cool!
Mike: Would you like to have a bite of my big banana? Open wide!
Mark: o_O (wtf?)
Parum-Pum! *cue in clown music*
Announcer: This has been another - "Mike Minute" LOL!
This program has been brought to you by Honey Bunches of Oats.
Mark: I had a delicious, hot bowl of nothing this morning.
Mike: Well, I'm having a banana.
Mark: Cool!
Mike: Would you like to have a bite of my big banana? Open wide!
Mark: o_O (wtf?)
Parum-Pum! *cue in clown music*
Announcer: This has been another - "Mike Minute" LOL!
This program has been brought to you by Honey Bunches of Oats.
Balloons
Remember when we were a little, we see balloons and we end up wanting one and forcing our parents to buy us one and our parents tied the balloon string onto our wrists and we're always scared of letting go because we know there's a possibility that once we let go, the balloon will float away. But it won't because it's tied to our wrists.
Now that we are older, we still have that same fear. Yeah, it would be silly walking around with a balloon tied to our wrists, so we just end up winding it up in our hands. People usually don't notice this, but we actually grip on that string. It's not tied, but we hold onto it.
When we were young we never really knew the meaning or what the balloon represented because to us it was just a balloon.
What is it about balloons? Something so simple... and yet we have a hard time letting it go once we have it? Could something so simple as a balloon hold our inner most fears? Our fear of letting go of something that we've always wanted.
I believe the balloon represented our hopes and our dreams.
And I myself guess that I've put so much hope and dreams into this one balloon that I'm having a hard time letting go. Unfortunately, my balloon doesn't come with strings. All I could really do is watch my balloon go further and further away into the distance.
It's sad watching my balloon disappear. But I believe I have grown older and wiser than I have been. It's sad and I'll miss my companion dearly but I was never meant to keep such childish dreams. It's time for me to grow up and realize my hopes and dreams are not contained in my balloon but reside within my heart, within my power to make them come true.
My hopes and dreams start with me.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
And Mike Said...
So while talking to my fellow fish Mike, he said something that I wasn't able to see in myself. I'm quoting loosely here but it went something like, "It's so sad to see that someone must have hurt you so bad that you started doubting yourself and lowering your ethics or value, that you would even think of sleeping around and be okay with it."
When he said that I was just shaken. I never really looked at it that way. I guess for awhile I kinda convinced myself that it's okay to do that. I'm still young. I've much to live for. Why not experience the most out of life. I guess, I wanted to be like Ervin. How he takes on life, care free, without responsibilities or obligations. Then I realized, I don't need to lower my ethics just to experience and/or learn in life. Sure it might be fun in the beginning but I'd be losing so much more. Mistakes aren't the only way we learn in life.
So thank you Mike, for helping me see what I couldn't see.
When he said that I was just shaken. I never really looked at it that way. I guess for awhile I kinda convinced myself that it's okay to do that. I'm still young. I've much to live for. Why not experience the most out of life. I guess, I wanted to be like Ervin. How he takes on life, care free, without responsibilities or obligations. Then I realized, I don't need to lower my ethics just to experience and/or learn in life. Sure it might be fun in the beginning but I'd be losing so much more. Mistakes aren't the only way we learn in life.
So thank you Mike, for helping me see what I couldn't see.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Sub-a-way
Thought I'd share this one lol... the subway. And of course me... Taking public transportation kinda brings me back down to earth. It opens my eyes to things. I see people that are far off less fortunate than I am. I see the struggling musician, the overworked business man, the exhausted mother with her groceries. It makes me realize that there are people out there struggling. It makes me appreciate what I do have more and more each day. I am grateful for the many obvious and not so obvious blessings that I receive everyday.
Barf: Pisces and Libra
When Libra and Pisces come together in a love affair, theirs is a congenial and even-tempered romance. These two Signs are very compatible, making for a truly smooth-sailing love affair. Both Signs are attuned to life's aesthetic side, but they also have much to offer one another: When Pisces gets lost in a fantasy, Libra can apply that Libran proclivity for balance to help get Pisces back on track, and Pisces can return the favor by helping Libra see the beauty in love and empathy. This is an honest partnership that values truth and harmony in itself and in the world.
Libra and Pisces make great friends as well as lovers. They understand one another: Both can be indecisive and tend to work in multiple directions at once. Problems between these two are rare, but Libra can at times be too mentally manipulating for Pisces. Sometimes they can also stop mid-action due to both of their indecisive natures; if these two work on a project together -- either their love relationship or something else -- it can be difficult to get it to move forward. If these two do have an argument, they do tend to forgive and forget quickly: Libra abhors conflict and will do almost anything to avoid it, and Pisces possesses great empathy and can forgive out of understanding for their partner's position.
Libra is ruled by Venus (Love) and Pisces is ruled by Jupiter (Luck) and Neptune (Illusions). These Signs are quite compatible due to the feminine energies of Venus and Neptune working in tandem. Under Jupiter and Neptune's rule, Pisces is intensely meditative, philosophical and internal. Under Venus's influence, Libra is in love with love. Libra is the Sign of Partnership and always is more comfortable when in an intimate love affair.
*LOL THE STARS COULD HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE WRONG*
Libra and Pisces make great friends as well as lovers. They understand one another: Both can be indecisive and tend to work in multiple directions at once. Problems between these two are rare, but Libra can at times be too mentally manipulating for Pisces. Sometimes they can also stop mid-action due to both of their indecisive natures; if these two work on a project together -- either their love relationship or something else -- it can be difficult to get it to move forward. If these two do have an argument, they do tend to forgive and forget quickly: Libra abhors conflict and will do almost anything to avoid it, and Pisces possesses great empathy and can forgive out of understanding for their partner's position.
Libra is ruled by Venus (Love) and Pisces is ruled by Jupiter (Luck) and Neptune (Illusions). These Signs are quite compatible due to the feminine energies of Venus and Neptune working in tandem. Under Jupiter and Neptune's rule, Pisces is intensely meditative, philosophical and internal. Under Venus's influence, Libra is in love with love. Libra is the Sign of Partnership and always is more comfortable when in an intimate love affair.
*LOL THE STARS COULD HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE WRONG*
Inadequate
No it doesn't make me feel any better. I'm sorry that he treated you like an object. Perhaps it's not him that wanted it, but you. I'm very disappointed that you had taken that road, but there's nothing much I can do now. It's not much his actions that I'm concerned about, it's yours. Knowing that you seem to be trying to connect yourself to him after everything makes me feel sorry for you, for he will never see your worth as much as I have no matter how much you try. And it angers me that you have put me in back of the line for him.
You have someone here that you've known for 7 years or so. You have someone here that loves you despite all the mistakes you have made and all the hurt you have inflicted. And yet you still make me feel so inadequate.
And the sad thing is, you have turned a blind eye and will never realize it until it's too late.
You have someone here that you've known for 7 years or so. You have someone here that loves you despite all the mistakes you have made and all the hurt you have inflicted. And yet you still make me feel so inadequate.
And the sad thing is, you have turned a blind eye and will never realize it until it's too late.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Where I Stood
I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none
There were sounds in my head
A little voice is whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found my self listening
'Cause I don't know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cause she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you aren't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside
'Cause I don't know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cause she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than any one I've ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself
And so I say to you, this is what I have to do.
'Cause I don't know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cause she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
She who dares to stand where I stood.
*Dedicated to Ervin A.
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none
There were sounds in my head
A little voice is whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found my self listening
'Cause I don't know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cause she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you aren't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside
'Cause I don't know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cause she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than any one I've ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself
And so I say to you, this is what I have to do.
'Cause I don't know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cause she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
She who dares to stand where I stood.
*Dedicated to Ervin A.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
When The Night Comes
When the night comes I start missing you. After my day is done, after all the distractions diminish all that is left is you.
Oh, Jesus
So I went to church today asking for a sign. Asking for some guidance. There was a funeral service going on, so I stayed in my corner and prayed.
"Jesus, give me some sort of sign", I prayed.
Suddenly the priest went up to the podium and said, "I'd like to welcome the Aquino family..."
My jaw dropped. I started laughing inside. God is funny. Of all the rare times I go to church and out of all the family names he could have said, when I asked God to show me a sign, The priest said the Aquino name.
I went to church to ask for guidance and now I've never felt so lost.
- sent via iPhone
"Jesus, give me some sort of sign", I prayed.
Suddenly the priest went up to the podium and said, "I'd like to welcome the Aquino family..."
My jaw dropped. I started laughing inside. God is funny. Of all the rare times I go to church and out of all the family names he could have said, when I asked God to show me a sign, The priest said the Aquino name.
I went to church to ask for guidance and now I've never felt so lost.
- sent via iPhone
Baggages and Damages
People shouldn't base their feelings for someone just because of the baggage they carry. It's like saying... "OK, I'll choose you cause you're going to make life so much easier for me." That is such a low superficial way of loving someone.
Brokenhearted I am.
I thought you were better than that.
Brokenhearted I am.
I thought you were better than that.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Say Love
Never let a day pass by without telling the person you love that you love them because we don't know how long they will be with us. Don't let anger or pride hold you back from saying that you love them.
"I grieve in my condition, for I cannot find the words to say "I need you so." - Sarah McLachlan
"I grieve in my condition, for I cannot find the words to say "I need you so." - Sarah McLachlan
Day Six: Fear
I have this fear of letting go of Ervin. Not because I'm dependent on him but because I know myself enough to know that once I let go of someone there's no turning back. I guess that's why I'm dragging this down to its knuckles. I don't want to let go unless I'm absolutely and positively sure that I have tried everything I could to make this work. Time is my enemy.
The more time I waste, the more time that passes without any resolution or road this thing Ervin and I have going, my feelings for Ervin grow thin. And it's really getting harder and harder each day as new people enter in my life.
Ervin always tells me not to be afraid of taking opportunities. I believe every opportunity comes with sacrifice. And my feelings for Ervin are much too high a value to just give up for something that may or may not work out. As for working on myself as a person, I believe I can do that with or without someone. After all we are individuals in and out of a relationship.
"But I fear, I have nothing to give. And I have so much to lose here in this lonely place. Tangled up in our embrace. There's nothing I'd like better than to fall." - Sarah McLachlan
The more time I waste, the more time that passes without any resolution or road this thing Ervin and I have going, my feelings for Ervin grow thin. And it's really getting harder and harder each day as new people enter in my life.
Ervin always tells me not to be afraid of taking opportunities. I believe every opportunity comes with sacrifice. And my feelings for Ervin are much too high a value to just give up for something that may or may not work out. As for working on myself as a person, I believe I can do that with or without someone. After all we are individuals in and out of a relationship.
"But I fear, I have nothing to give. And I have so much to lose here in this lonely place. Tangled up in our embrace. There's nothing I'd like better than to fall." - Sarah McLachlan
Changes
I guess change is inevitable and I cannot fight it. No matter how hard I resist, I must change with the times and situations in order to adapt.
Someone told me I'm too nice. And this came from someone who hardly knew me. And though as much as I want to take his comment as a compliment, being too nice isn't always a good thing.
One thing I should have learned by now is this life is cruel and unfair and I shouldn't take things lying down. I need to be gritty, down and dirty. I need to have a heart of steel and lead with an iron fist.
I should stay mad at the people who've done me wrong and not always give in to my feelings about them. I need to be angry. I need to stay angry.
I need to change. No more mister nice guy. Nice guys always finish last.
- sent via iPhone
Someone told me I'm too nice. And this came from someone who hardly knew me. And though as much as I want to take his comment as a compliment, being too nice isn't always a good thing.
One thing I should have learned by now is this life is cruel and unfair and I shouldn't take things lying down. I need to be gritty, down and dirty. I need to have a heart of steel and lead with an iron fist.
I should stay mad at the people who've done me wrong and not always give in to my feelings about them. I need to be angry. I need to stay angry.
I need to change. No more mister nice guy. Nice guys always finish last.
- sent via iPhone
Thursday, January 22, 2009
New Friends
New friends make for perfect beginnings. Thank you Mike for your kind words and support. Us fishies need to stick together. You help me make time fly by. I like how we vibe. =)
Day Five: Lost
I'm just so lost right now. I don't know what to do. I've even gone as far as asking advice from his ex on how to get over him lol. ARG!!!
Drive
One thing I've always believed to be true is that people who are never satisfied with what they have will never learn to be happy because they will always be looking for something better.
There are those who argue striving for something better is what keeps them going. And I argue that sustaining what you already have should be your motivation to keep going. Because what you already have, God has already given you. I don't believe God rewards those who become greedy in life, but rewards those who works hard in life. Those who work and struggle to keep their loved ones close. Those who never surrender to temptations of this world. Those who keep to their faith and live through the tests God has given them. You don't just face these tests and expect to fail them and recieve a gold star for it. LOL! Yes we are human. But why let that stop you from becoming more than that. Yes we are not perfect but it doesn't mean we just have to accept it. We need to strive to be better not for something better.
I understand that there are people in this world that tire easily, become impatient, and suddenly get bored with what they have in life. They want to experience new things and new relationships. They are afraid of not taking a chance at every opportunity because they feel like life is going to pass them by. Not every opportunity is heaven-sent. Not every opportunity is a must. People are tempted with opportunities left and right. People who leap blindly on the hands of faith will eventually leap into a hole. Man cannot live on faith alone. And those who keep saying they've made mistakes and will learn from them obviously never look back long enough to realize how much they have lost. How much of themselves they have lost. And still they keep going and are willing to risk making the same mistakes.
Two relationships. Different scenarios. One outcome. And both lasted at the same time. Both ended in similar situations. Someone just decided to stop working on it.
Is this what the gay community is about? Everyone out for themselves? When things get hard, people just fuck it and leave? Is this why people judge us and say we are only in it for the physical things because we can never really sustain a relationship long enough for it to actually be recognized by society? We switch partners as often as we change our fashion. Honestly I have light bulbs that lasted longer than my relationships and I've only had two. I know there are people in our community that fight against these ideas. People who stayed true to themselves and not let themselves get carried away by the speeding rapids of our society.
People traveling at the speed of light burn their fuel faster. Parties and social gatherings are great. Clubbing, dancing and drinking are fun. Experiencing new things are our way of life.
But we should remember to take all of these things in moderation. Because it's not about the speed in which we get there. It's about how we get there. Like someone said... "Should I take the scenic route or the direct route?"
The way I see it Interstate 5 will get me to where I want to be faster therefore having more time to enjoy it with those who really count. The 101 sure is nice but it will take away the time that I have with those I care about.
Or maybe I should just fly to San Jose like someone did. LOL!
*trying very hard to laugh about it* =/
BLAH!
There are those who argue striving for something better is what keeps them going. And I argue that sustaining what you already have should be your motivation to keep going. Because what you already have, God has already given you. I don't believe God rewards those who become greedy in life, but rewards those who works hard in life. Those who work and struggle to keep their loved ones close. Those who never surrender to temptations of this world. Those who keep to their faith and live through the tests God has given them. You don't just face these tests and expect to fail them and recieve a gold star for it. LOL! Yes we are human. But why let that stop you from becoming more than that. Yes we are not perfect but it doesn't mean we just have to accept it. We need to strive to be better not for something better.
I understand that there are people in this world that tire easily, become impatient, and suddenly get bored with what they have in life. They want to experience new things and new relationships. They are afraid of not taking a chance at every opportunity because they feel like life is going to pass them by. Not every opportunity is heaven-sent. Not every opportunity is a must. People are tempted with opportunities left and right. People who leap blindly on the hands of faith will eventually leap into a hole. Man cannot live on faith alone. And those who keep saying they've made mistakes and will learn from them obviously never look back long enough to realize how much they have lost. How much of themselves they have lost. And still they keep going and are willing to risk making the same mistakes.
Two relationships. Different scenarios. One outcome. And both lasted at the same time. Both ended in similar situations. Someone just decided to stop working on it.
Is this what the gay community is about? Everyone out for themselves? When things get hard, people just fuck it and leave? Is this why people judge us and say we are only in it for the physical things because we can never really sustain a relationship long enough for it to actually be recognized by society? We switch partners as often as we change our fashion. Honestly I have light bulbs that lasted longer than my relationships and I've only had two. I know there are people in our community that fight against these ideas. People who stayed true to themselves and not let themselves get carried away by the speeding rapids of our society.
People traveling at the speed of light burn their fuel faster. Parties and social gatherings are great. Clubbing, dancing and drinking are fun. Experiencing new things are our way of life.
But we should remember to take all of these things in moderation. Because it's not about the speed in which we get there. It's about how we get there. Like someone said... "Should I take the scenic route or the direct route?"
The way I see it Interstate 5 will get me to where I want to be faster therefore having more time to enjoy it with those who really count. The 101 sure is nice but it will take away the time that I have with those I care about.
Or maybe I should just fly to San Jose like someone did. LOL!
*trying very hard to laugh about it* =/
BLAH!
The Greenhouse
Grass is not always greener on the other side. It may look that way but once you get closer you'll notice all the weeds hidden underneath.
Why abandon the garden that you've been working on? We all have dry spells. We all have our winters. Some season we flourish and some seasons we don't. But just because the leaves are falling, and our branches are dryin, it doesn't mean we give up on our garden and start a new one. People who always want to start new gardens will never stay long enough to reap the benefits of the old ones. If your garden isn't producing any results you don't just bury them. You change things up little. More water. Less water. More sun. Less sun. Until you find the right way to take care of it. You just don't give up. You just don't bail. And you don't just ignore it and hope it will flourish on its own.
Why abandon the garden that you've been working on? We all have dry spells. We all have our winters. Some season we flourish and some seasons we don't. But just because the leaves are falling, and our branches are dryin, it doesn't mean we give up on our garden and start a new one. People who always want to start new gardens will never stay long enough to reap the benefits of the old ones. If your garden isn't producing any results you don't just bury them. You change things up little. More water. Less water. More sun. Less sun. Until you find the right way to take care of it. You just don't give up. You just don't bail. And you don't just ignore it and hope it will flourish on its own.
Foolish
I don't understand why I'm acting the fool when I made a promise to myself never to fall back. What is wrong with me? Trying to hold on to someone who doesn't want me. I need clarity. I need distractions. If he's able to move on then I must move on also.
Don't act the fool Mark! You are better than that.
-sent via iPhone
Don't act the fool Mark! You are better than that.
-sent via iPhone
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Sight
Those who see with their eyes, enter love blindly.
Those who see with their hearts, enter love faithfully.
Those who see with their faith, enter love devotedly.
Those who see with their hearts, enter love faithfully.
Those who see with their faith, enter love devotedly.
Love is an Ocean
There was a time when I thought we were meant to be.
But now I see
Life has a cruel way of placing us with the wrong people.
Making us play musical chairs with our hearts and minds.
You were with your man. And I was with mine.
But both didn't last. Both fell for the same reasons that
placed them where they are in our lives.
And somehow we found each other
Supported each other, carried each other through.
The perfect storm carried us together.
We learned to love again. We learned to love each other.
You became my friend, and my confidant
My best friend and my lover all in 3 months time.
I knew you for way longer, but I started seeing you in a new light
You gave me hope. You gave me joy.
You are everything I wanted to be. And I tried my best
to match you.
Dark clouds hung over us. Heaven raining down on me.
Is this a gift or a curse?
In our little raft we shared our love. Nothing could break us.
Fate is funny in that way.
Are all these just mere coincidence?
On the horizon, we saw the sun glowing in all its glory.
Promises of a better tomorrow. I felt your heart skip a beat.
You wanted to chase after the sun.
While the clouds are still hanging over me.
The sun changed your light, and I started seeing you differently.
I see the promises of a better life.
It's right there on the horizon.
But you felt the need to chase after it.
My happiness for you shadowed my sadness inside.
I smile through while our broken promises begin to shatter.
Tomorrow is yours for the taking, so who am I to stop you.
I know I must let go and weather the storm by myself.
And watch you disappear on the horizon.
The cold envelops my heart as the darkening storm looms over me.
Still I remain hopeful.
If I am able to weather this storm. My heart prays
that I will meet you on the horizon. And if life is kind
I'll see you waiting there for me.
But when will my heart ever see
Life has a cruel way of placing us with the wrong people.
Perhaps we are not meant to be.
Perhaps we never were.
But now I see
Life has a cruel way of placing us with the wrong people.
Making us play musical chairs with our hearts and minds.
You were with your man. And I was with mine.
But both didn't last. Both fell for the same reasons that
placed them where they are in our lives.
And somehow we found each other
Supported each other, carried each other through.
The perfect storm carried us together.
We learned to love again. We learned to love each other.
You became my friend, and my confidant
My best friend and my lover all in 3 months time.
I knew you for way longer, but I started seeing you in a new light
You gave me hope. You gave me joy.
You are everything I wanted to be. And I tried my best
to match you.
Dark clouds hung over us. Heaven raining down on me.
Is this a gift or a curse?
In our little raft we shared our love. Nothing could break us.
Fate is funny in that way.
Are all these just mere coincidence?
On the horizon, we saw the sun glowing in all its glory.
Promises of a better tomorrow. I felt your heart skip a beat.
You wanted to chase after the sun.
While the clouds are still hanging over me.
The sun changed your light, and I started seeing you differently.
I see the promises of a better life.
It's right there on the horizon.
But you felt the need to chase after it.
My happiness for you shadowed my sadness inside.
I smile through while our broken promises begin to shatter.
Tomorrow is yours for the taking, so who am I to stop you.
I know I must let go and weather the storm by myself.
And watch you disappear on the horizon.
The cold envelops my heart as the darkening storm looms over me.
Still I remain hopeful.
If I am able to weather this storm. My heart prays
that I will meet you on the horizon. And if life is kind
I'll see you waiting there for me.
But when will my heart ever see
Life has a cruel way of placing us with the wrong people.
Perhaps we are not meant to be.
Perhaps we never were.
Day Four: Acceptance
I realize it's going to take me some time to get over Ervin. But while I'm in that process I need to accept that there is no future for us left in terms of being romantically involved no matter how much I want it to. I also need to face the fact that Ervin will eventually open his heart to someone else. And as hard as that is for me, I need to accept it.
The thought of someone else replacing me in your Ervin's heart is crippling. It weighs heavy on my heart. And time cannot and will not save me from it. But I will endure it because I love Ervin and I want him to be happy even if it's not with me. But I don't think I can be there for him, watching him love someone else when everytime I look at him, I'm always going to be wishing it was me he was loving.
This is my cross to bear and I will accept it.
The thought of someone else replacing me in your Ervin's heart is crippling. It weighs heavy on my heart. And time cannot and will not save me from it. But I will endure it because I love Ervin and I want him to be happy even if it's not with me. But I don't think I can be there for him, watching him love someone else when everytime I look at him, I'm always going to be wishing it was me he was loving.
This is my cross to bear and I will accept it.
2 Steps Forward 1 Step Back
Yesterday was going pretty well until I got home. I started missing Ervin all over again. Always wondering how he's doing, enjoying life without me. I fell short and ended up calling him. I just wanted to say I miss him and that I still love him despite everything. I also apologized for my recent behavior.
It was pretty nice talking to him again. But the sound of his voice reassures me that there is nothing left between us. That he is just here for me as a friend. And as hard as that is to hear, I have to accept and respect his decision. A part of me is still hoping, but I know that if there is any chance of me surviving this thing I have to extinguish any hopes and dreams that I have with Ervin.
A part of me feels that Ervin is not only searching for himself, but perhaps a part of himself in someone else. It may sound ridiculous but it is possible. Perhaps that is why he kept the option open to date or meet other people. I guess a part of me is still wishing that it was me he's looking for. But I have to be smarter than that. I will not fool myself into believing that there is still a chance. I cannot afford to.
It was pretty nice talking to him again. But the sound of his voice reassures me that there is nothing left between us. That he is just here for me as a friend. And as hard as that is to hear, I have to accept and respect his decision. A part of me is still hoping, but I know that if there is any chance of me surviving this thing I have to extinguish any hopes and dreams that I have with Ervin.
A part of me feels that Ervin is not only searching for himself, but perhaps a part of himself in someone else. It may sound ridiculous but it is possible. Perhaps that is why he kept the option open to date or meet other people. I guess a part of me is still wishing that it was me he's looking for. But I have to be smarter than that. I will not fool myself into believing that there is still a chance. I cannot afford to.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Missin You
I am trying very hard not to fall. I am trying very hard not to give in. Clock ticks and I'm missing you every second. I'm trying my best so you can be happy. I am leaving you so you can be happy.
Actions
"Your actions affect others. They bleed into the lives of those around you. The reasons for doing what your doing can't possibly outweigh the everlasting damage you're creating."
- Josephine Potter
- Josephine Potter
The Choices We Make
I have a lot of time thinking things over and over, lately. The choices we make in life affect the direction we are going. I believe we don't necessarily choose to lose the people we love along the way but happens when we make the wrong choices.
Life is filled with choices. We do that everyday. Sometimes we win, and sometimes we lose. We just have to level out the risks involved. Who or what we are willing to lose.
Life is filled with choices. We do that everyday. Sometimes we win, and sometimes we lose. We just have to level out the risks involved. Who or what we are willing to lose.
Gains and Losses
What have I gained from this experience?
I gained knowledge about how selfish people can be and that I need to really be careful who I give my heart to. I learned that I don't have to be quiet when I don't have to. I learned that I deserve better. Everyday I'm growing more aggressive, more assertive, more free. I learned that I don't need anyone to validate who I am.
People say that to me, but I don't think that's the case. I just like and want to share my life with someone that I love. I guess the thought of not being able to do that cripples me. People often mistake it for something else.
What have I lost from this experience?
The way I see it, it's his loss. I used to think that I was the one that lost, but I realize it wasn't me that lost something valuable. It was him. So I can move forward knowing that I still have everything that I did before I entered this relationship, and I still have everything I did when it ended. I believe I can move forward from here.
I gained knowledge about how selfish people can be and that I need to really be careful who I give my heart to. I learned that I don't have to be quiet when I don't have to. I learned that I deserve better. Everyday I'm growing more aggressive, more assertive, more free. I learned that I don't need anyone to validate who I am.
People say that to me, but I don't think that's the case. I just like and want to share my life with someone that I love. I guess the thought of not being able to do that cripples me. People often mistake it for something else.
What have I lost from this experience?
The way I see it, it's his loss. I used to think that I was the one that lost, but I realize it wasn't me that lost something valuable. It was him. So I can move forward knowing that I still have everything that I did before I entered this relationship, and I still have everything I did when it ended. I believe I can move forward from here.
Solid as Barack
Today we officially recognize Barack Obama as our 44th President. This brings many hope to people. A hope for change. A hope for new beginnings. A hope for the future. I hope these next 4 years will be nothing short of a miracle. Four years, seem a short of time to achieve and establish what we want to happen in this world. But it is a new beginning for everyone.
Quick Voice App
I love this app. I decided to make daily recordings of my thoughts and feelings in addition to my blogging. There is something about hearing yourself talk about the things that you are going through. Somehow it's more powerful, it has a greater impact when it comes to self-realization, and self-awareness. I have a sexy voice.
Day Three: Blame
There are many reasons I could think of to blame Ervin, but the fault does not lie on him. It lies on me. I blame myself for not fully opening up to him in the beginning. I blame myself for letting it go this far. I blame myself for hoping that this was something that I thought was going to work out.
I will take responsibility for all actions that I have taken. All the mistakes I have made. I accept that some mistakes can never be erased and have tried my very best to fix them. I tried my best.
I led with my heart and not with my head. I should have known better.
I will take responsibility for all actions that I have taken. All the mistakes I have made. I accept that some mistakes can never be erased and have tried my very best to fix them. I tried my best.
I led with my heart and not with my head. I should have known better.
Monday, January 19, 2009
One Man's Worth...
Who I am is a force to be reckoned with. Many people underestimate what I am capable of because I'm always so nice. I'm always so humble. I'm always so quiet.
I am someone who will protect you from harm. I am someone will support your dreams. I am someone who will commit to make sure you are happy. I am someone who will love you to the ends of the earth.
My value is not measured by how much money I have or how many recognitions I receive. It is not measured by how many friends I have or how many goals I have planned out. My value is measured by how much love I am able to give.
I am someone who will protect you from harm. I am someone will support your dreams. I am someone who will commit to make sure you are happy. I am someone who will love you to the ends of the earth.
My value is not measured by how much money I have or how many recognitions I receive. It is not measured by how many friends I have or how many goals I have planned out. My value is measured by how much love I am able to give.
Thirteen Step Program
These 13 steps will help me on my way.
1. I will remove Ervin from my present and my future.
2. I will detach myself from anything and everything relating to Ervin.
3. I will end all communication with Ervin.
4. I will learn something from this relationship.
5. I will not rely on others emotionally.
6. I will learn to trust people again.
7. I will surround myself with positive, caring people.
8. I will not make the same mistakes Ervin did. (rebound)
9. I will not let this experience change who I am for the worse.
10. I will not go around in circles.
11. I will look forward and not look back on the memories we shared.
12. I will give my love to someone who deserves it.
13. I will love myself more than Ervin ever could.
1. I will remove Ervin from my present and my future.
2. I will detach myself from anything and everything relating to Ervin.
3. I will end all communication with Ervin.
4. I will learn something from this relationship.
5. I will not rely on others emotionally.
6. I will learn to trust people again.
7. I will surround myself with positive, caring people.
8. I will not make the same mistakes Ervin did. (rebound)
9. I will not let this experience change who I am for the worse.
10. I will not go around in circles.
11. I will look forward and not look back on the memories we shared.
12. I will give my love to someone who deserves it.
13. I will love myself more than Ervin ever could.
Day Two: Resentment
Today I am feeling the effects of alcohol poisoning from last night. After much crying and anger, I woke up today feeling numb. All I want to do is hate Ervin.
I hate what he did. I hate what he's doing. I hate that he's putting more effort when it comes to hanging out with new people. I hate that he can't stick around and see the damaged he's caused me. I hate the way everytime I ask Ervin something, he becomes secretive, like it doesn't matter anymore and everything he does is irrelevant to what we are. I never thought Ervin would mentally and emotionally fuck me over like that. Kristian told me that if he really cared, it would show and it doesn't. What has Ervin done to show that he was remorseful? What has Ervin done to show that he cared? All but empty words. I'm trying to look for answers and all I could think about is Ervin being too caught up with moving on, moving past it, having fun and meeting new people. People shouldn't just do their damage and leave. I hate Ervin for what he did knowing that I had gone through the same thing with Kristian. Ervin's love is conditional. You have to meet certain standards and you have to have certain qualities. If you suddenly stop measuring up, then Ervin will eventually take his love away and move on. Never again will I let my heart be fooled by people like Ervin.
Kristian told me that I'm having a hard time letting go because I'm putting Ervin's face on everything I desire and want. I never really thought of it that way. He told me to put Ervin's face on everything I hated. I need to place Ervin's face on everything I don't want and disliked. I'm always trying to see the good in people that I get blinded by the bad things.
I guess I just refuse to think of Ervin differently, because I know that Ervin is a good person. But would someone who truly cared and loved me be capable of such cruelty.
I hate that this world has become such a selfish place. Ervin's an example of what this world has become. Everyone is out for themselves. It's become a dog eat dog world.
What ever happened to the heroes? What ever happened to selfless people? What ever happened to commitment and loyalty? What ever happened to loving someone because of who they are rather than what they have? What ever happened to the people who we look up to?
I understand that people have flaws, and people make mistakes. Some people choose to give up and some people choose to fix their mistakes. Apparently, Ervin chose to bail out and honestly... why am I holding on to someone who would leave me broken?
I hate what he did. I hate what he's doing. I hate that he's putting more effort when it comes to hanging out with new people. I hate that he can't stick around and see the damaged he's caused me. I hate the way everytime I ask Ervin something, he becomes secretive, like it doesn't matter anymore and everything he does is irrelevant to what we are. I never thought Ervin would mentally and emotionally fuck me over like that. Kristian told me that if he really cared, it would show and it doesn't. What has Ervin done to show that he was remorseful? What has Ervin done to show that he cared? All but empty words. I'm trying to look for answers and all I could think about is Ervin being too caught up with moving on, moving past it, having fun and meeting new people. People shouldn't just do their damage and leave. I hate Ervin for what he did knowing that I had gone through the same thing with Kristian. Ervin's love is conditional. You have to meet certain standards and you have to have certain qualities. If you suddenly stop measuring up, then Ervin will eventually take his love away and move on. Never again will I let my heart be fooled by people like Ervin.
Kristian told me that I'm having a hard time letting go because I'm putting Ervin's face on everything I desire and want. I never really thought of it that way. He told me to put Ervin's face on everything I hated. I need to place Ervin's face on everything I don't want and disliked. I'm always trying to see the good in people that I get blinded by the bad things.
I guess I just refuse to think of Ervin differently, because I know that Ervin is a good person. But would someone who truly cared and loved me be capable of such cruelty.
I hate that this world has become such a selfish place. Ervin's an example of what this world has become. Everyone is out for themselves. It's become a dog eat dog world.
What ever happened to the heroes? What ever happened to selfless people? What ever happened to commitment and loyalty? What ever happened to loving someone because of who they are rather than what they have? What ever happened to the people who we look up to?
I understand that people have flaws, and people make mistakes. Some people choose to give up and some people choose to fix their mistakes. Apparently, Ervin chose to bail out and honestly... why am I holding on to someone who would leave me broken?
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Drunk as Fuck...
And high as the sky. I don't give a damn!! Fuck the world, love can't touch me. Fuck you! Yes you! Fuck fuck fuckity fuck. I'm rushin to die...
Time and Space Part III
People say that time will take all the hurt and pain away. Time is but a bandaid. The scars will remain.
Although its been 4 years, the scars inflicted by Kristian still remains. I can see it in how I open myself to people. My trust is not so easily given. My heart shielded by walls. The scars remained.
Four years later, new scars cover the old ones, inflicted by a new love.
Sometimes if a heart gets damaged enough it may never recover. For the life of me, I honestly cannot see myself giving my heart to anyone else.
Am I fated to grow old and alone? Perhaps it is better to be alone. There is no chance of getting hurt.
Although its been 4 years, the scars inflicted by Kristian still remains. I can see it in how I open myself to people. My trust is not so easily given. My heart shielded by walls. The scars remained.
Four years later, new scars cover the old ones, inflicted by a new love.
Sometimes if a heart gets damaged enough it may never recover. For the life of me, I honestly cannot see myself giving my heart to anyone else.
Am I fated to grow old and alone? Perhaps it is better to be alone. There is no chance of getting hurt.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Time and Space Part II
I spoke to Kristian today and asked him the kind of things that I have been asking Ervin. What does it mean to take some time and space to heal?
From Kristian's perspective, people say they need time and space because they want to have fun, meet new people, experience new relationships. Not necessarily just a vacation from each other, but more to get over someone.
I asked him. "What was his reason for asking me for time and space?"
"Honestly", Kristian replied, "I did not want to deal with the responsibility anymore. I wanted to be free. I knew I made mistakes, I just did not want to deal with the consequences." Practically Kristian stopped caring.
I wonder if this is the same reason that Ervin has but just did not want to say it? Ervin seems to just want to have fun, forget everything. In terms of choosing between me and Armando, Ervin just could not and will not understand.
Kristian told me that it seemed like Ervin already made his choice. And sadly, I'm starting to agree. I mean, how could someone put someone that they say they loved through that kind of torture?
The thing that makes me angry is, Ervin said that it is my choice whether or not to stay friends in the end. Ervin cannot see the damage of what he did. I don't think he even thinks he did anything wrong or at least knew that what he did hurt me. What a cowardly answer is that. Why can't he just say he's choosing Armando over me. It's like saying "I don't know what this opportunity may result in, good or bad. This just means you're expendable". He could have just given me a gun to my head and asked me to pull the trigger.
From Kristian's perspective, people say they need time and space because they want to have fun, meet new people, experience new relationships. Not necessarily just a vacation from each other, but more to get over someone.
I asked him. "What was his reason for asking me for time and space?"
"Honestly", Kristian replied, "I did not want to deal with the responsibility anymore. I wanted to be free. I knew I made mistakes, I just did not want to deal with the consequences." Practically Kristian stopped caring.
I wonder if this is the same reason that Ervin has but just did not want to say it? Ervin seems to just want to have fun, forget everything. In terms of choosing between me and Armando, Ervin just could not and will not understand.
Kristian told me that it seemed like Ervin already made his choice. And sadly, I'm starting to agree. I mean, how could someone put someone that they say they loved through that kind of torture?
The thing that makes me angry is, Ervin said that it is my choice whether or not to stay friends in the end. Ervin cannot see the damage of what he did. I don't think he even thinks he did anything wrong or at least knew that what he did hurt me. What a cowardly answer is that. Why can't he just say he's choosing Armando over me. It's like saying "I don't know what this opportunity may result in, good or bad. This just means you're expendable". He could have just given me a gun to my head and asked me to pull the trigger.
Live and Love
There are two kinds of people in this world. One who choose to live life to the fullest. Live as if today is your last day in this world. Then there are those who choose to love to the fullest. Love as if today is your last day in this world.
Friday, January 16, 2009
People Part I
After much thinking, I learned that there are people in this world that wants to have it all, wants to have all the fun and worry about the consequences and responsibilities later on. Then there are those who work through the hardships of this life and reap all the benefits later on.
I think I fit the latter.
It is through the hardships in life that we grow as a person. It is through the hardships that we learn the capacity of our own will and our own hearts. What lesson are we learning if our only objective is to have fun in life?
I think I fit the latter.
It is through the hardships in life that we grow as a person. It is through the hardships that we learn the capacity of our own will and our own hearts. What lesson are we learning if our only objective is to have fun in life?
Time and Space Part I
No, I'm not talking about the fabric of time and space. I'm talking about time and space from someone. What does it mean?
When someone needs time and space, it's usually to reflect on themselves. A part of me fear this because when a person asks for time and space, it means that they need some time and space to get over you so their feelings for you won't be as strong. And when they return to you, it would be so much easier to let go because all those feelings and hurt have healed already.
Which begs me to question: Can true love really stand the test of time?
From what I have learned from these past 2 relationships that I've had is that a person's love changes as swift as the winds changes direction. Is this really true love?
Let's just say my faith in love and man have been shaken.
When someone needs time and space, it's usually to reflect on themselves. A part of me fear this because when a person asks for time and space, it means that they need some time and space to get over you so their feelings for you won't be as strong. And when they return to you, it would be so much easier to let go because all those feelings and hurt have healed already.
Which begs me to question: Can true love really stand the test of time?
From what I have learned from these past 2 relationships that I've had is that a person's love changes as swift as the winds changes direction. Is this really true love?
Let's just say my faith in love and man have been shaken.
About Blogs (caged)
I don't think it's fair that I have to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself because people don't agree with what I have to write or say. What's the purpose of blogging if you can't share it with people.
There are private things in my life that I wish to share, though painful and messed up. But I believe it's my choice to share those thoughts. Now I don't feel like I can let it out because people will judge me or think differently of me.
What I say in this blog isn't necessarily the truth, it's how I feel at that certain time, that certain moment. I know some of the entries in my blog can be directed at a certain someone, well mainly at a certain someone but it doesn't have to mean that they are defined by what I say, just how I feel about them at that time.
So I'm sorry if I offended anyone, but blogging is a way for me to vent out, share my thoughts and feelings, some of you may agree and disagree but these are my thoughts and feelings and I shouldn't have to feel like I can't share them.
There are private things in my life that I wish to share, though painful and messed up. But I believe it's my choice to share those thoughts. Now I don't feel like I can let it out because people will judge me or think differently of me.
What I say in this blog isn't necessarily the truth, it's how I feel at that certain time, that certain moment. I know some of the entries in my blog can be directed at a certain someone, well mainly at a certain someone but it doesn't have to mean that they are defined by what I say, just how I feel about them at that time.
So I'm sorry if I offended anyone, but blogging is a way for me to vent out, share my thoughts and feelings, some of you may agree and disagree but these are my thoughts and feelings and I shouldn't have to feel like I can't share them.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
A Wild Horse
It's so unfair. I never thought I'd have to share your love with someone else. But I guess that's how it goes. You are free and independent. No one is gonna be able to keep you. And he who is able to would be very lucky. I envy you and your world.
But then I again, I don't.
But then I again, I don't.
Yesterday
I just can't believe you're gone
Still waiting for morning to come
Wanna see if the sun will rise
Even without you by my side
When we had so much in store
Tell me what is it I'm reaching for
When we're through building memories
I'll hold yesterday in my heart, in my heart
They can take tomorrow and the plans we made
They can take the music that we'll never play
All the broken dreams
Take everything
Just take it away, but they can never have yesterday
They can take the future that we'll never know
They can take the places that we said we will go
All the broken dreams
Take everything
Just take it away, but they can never have yesterday
You always used to stay
I should be thankful for everyday
Heaven knows what the future holds
Or at least that's how the story goes
but I never believed them 'til now
I know I'll see you again I'm sure
No, it's not selfish to ask for more
One more night, one more day
One more smile on you face
But they can't take yesterday
They can take tomorrow and the plans we made
They can take the music that we'll never play
All the broken dreams
Take everything
Just take it away, but they can never have yesterday
They can take the future that we'll never know
They can take the places that we said we will go
All the broken dreams
Take everything
Just take it away, but they can never have yesterday
I thought our days would last forever
'Cause in my mind, we had so much time
But I was so wrong
Now I can, believe that
I can still find the strength in the moments we made
I'm looking back on yesterday
They can take tomorrow and the plans we made
They can take the music that we'll never play
All the broken dreams
Take everything
Just take it away, but they can never have yesterday
They can take the future that we'll never know
They can take the places that we said we will go
All the broken dreams
Take everything
Just take it away, but they can never have yesterday
All the broken dreams take everything
But they can never have yesterday
Temptation
Life throws us alot of difficulties and obstacles that each of us must overcome. Life also throws us temptations along the way disguised as desires and opportunities. Temptation comes in all forms, it comes when you are most vulnerable. It comes when you are most desperate. It is so easy to give in to temptation and once its got you hooked its so hard to look back at what your risking to lose. It makes it hard to see what you're leaving behind. You grow more and more curious about what it's like to have a taste of that apple. Temptation makes you regret what has not yet come to pass. Temptation teaches you how to deceive and manipulate, it teaches you how to hide and make excuses for your actions. Temptation makes a heart confused.
Temptation is when desire comes across opportunity.
Temptation = Desire + Opportunity
Temptation only leads to sin when you act upon it.
Sin = Desire + Opportunity + Action
In this case I view Sin not as who a person is, but what a person does and how he treats others. Don't let yourself be taken by temptation. We are taught to avoid sin by changing our desires and limiting our opportunities and take away that temptation. It's so funny because the world today seem to be driven by desires and opportunities which feeds temptation.
Lead us not into temptation.
Temptation is when desire comes across opportunity.
Temptation = Desire + Opportunity
Temptation only leads to sin when you act upon it.
Sin = Desire + Opportunity + Action
In this case I view Sin not as who a person is, but what a person does and how he treats others. Don't let yourself be taken by temptation. We are taught to avoid sin by changing our desires and limiting our opportunities and take away that temptation. It's so funny because the world today seem to be driven by desires and opportunities which feeds temptation.
Lead us not into temptation.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Love Part I
How can someone be torn between someone theyve known for 7 years... and someone theyve known for only 3 months? I dont understand. Is this why people divorce? Is this why people split up? All the temptations are there. The rush of a new love. All the exciting feelings that comes along with it. That's not really what defines love.
What defines love is the commitment and loyalty that you put into it. It's defined by how you argue and how you make up afterwards. It's defined by the respect that you both give it. It's defined by the sacrifices and the selfless acts you made for each other. Love is not defined by the excitement of getting to know someone new. If that's all that you seek I can promise you that all your relationships wont last. Its not about the chase, it's what you do once you grab hold of it.
What defines love is the commitment and loyalty that you put into it. It's defined by how you argue and how you make up afterwards. It's defined by the respect that you both give it. It's defined by the sacrifices and the selfless acts you made for each other. Love is not defined by the excitement of getting to know someone new. If that's all that you seek I can promise you that all your relationships wont last. Its not about the chase, it's what you do once you grab hold of it.
Phantom of the Opera
Well since Phantom of the Opera is only going to be here for a month, I think I will find my tickets early. The problem would be finding someone to go with. I hate being single.
Attending UC Ervin
Courses offered at UC Ervin 2005 - 2008
Social Studies 101 - Be a "friend" (3 credits) *Prerequisite: Friend 101
Social Studies 102 - How to flirt with people ( 3 credits) *Prerequisite: Social Studies 101
Friend 101 - Anyone you meet is considered a friend (3 credits)
Love 101 - Find love in the club. (3 credits) *Prerequisite: Chubby 101 & Appearances 101
Love 102 - How to lose it in 3 months. (4 credits) *Prerequisite: Exes 301
Relationships 201 - Putting yourself first. (4 credits)
Exes 301 - What he doesn't know won't hurt him (4 credits)
Guilt 101 - How to distract and occupy yourself from guilt (4 credits)
Self-Esteem 301 - Build your self-esteem up and break it down (3 credits)
Appearances 201 - Shave your head and enlarge your rooster (3 credits) *pumps can be rented or purchased at the student store
Chubby 101 - Stuff your face fat (500 calories)
It's funny how these classes seem so familiar. I believe I took these courses at a Kristian School for Boys in Seattle, Washington. Funny how they both offered the same exact courses. I never thought that I'd have to retake these classes again. I had hoped I learned my lesson the first time around and passed it, lol. And I never thought that I'd be having to share my dorm with someone else. I knew I should have transferred elsewhere lol. *frown* =/
I hope they are offering better classes this year. LOL!
Social Studies 101 - Be a "friend" (3 credits) *Prerequisite: Friend 101
Social Studies 102 - How to flirt with people ( 3 credits) *Prerequisite: Social Studies 101
Friend 101 - Anyone you meet is considered a friend (3 credits)
Love 101 - Find love in the club. (3 credits) *Prerequisite: Chubby 101 & Appearances 101
Love 102 - How to lose it in 3 months. (4 credits) *Prerequisite: Exes 301
Relationships 201 - Putting yourself first. (4 credits)
Exes 301 - What he doesn't know won't hurt him (4 credits)
Guilt 101 - How to distract and occupy yourself from guilt (4 credits)
Self-Esteem 301 - Build your self-esteem up and break it down (3 credits)
Appearances 201 - Shave your head and enlarge your rooster (3 credits) *pumps can be rented or purchased at the student store
Chubby 101 - Stuff your face fat (500 calories)
It's funny how these classes seem so familiar. I believe I took these courses at a Kristian School for Boys in Seattle, Washington. Funny how they both offered the same exact courses. I never thought that I'd have to retake these classes again. I had hoped I learned my lesson the first time around and passed it, lol. And I never thought that I'd be having to share my dorm with someone else. I knew I should have transferred elsewhere lol. *frown* =/
I hope they are offering better classes this year. LOL!
A Bottle of Empty Promises
Pour me another. I realize that some promises are meant to be broken. We tell each other things, just to comfort each other, soften the blow a little, make things not as hard as they actually are. Keeping hope alive without actually having anything to back them up. We promise each other things and we let life get in the way of fulfilling those promises that we made. Promises can be as sturdy and hollow like bricks.
My dream began with you
Your beauty is the heart that cannot forget
When Im with you I always feel
Stars peeking from your eyes
Overwhelming joy this thing called love
I hope it never changes
My hopes and dreams
You keep alive
Now that your love is real
Your tune is like a song
Bringing happiness to chaos
How wonderful this thing called love
Especially when you said
You'd take me to your palace far away
Into the changing skies
Everything as you promised
But it was only the winds
That carried all my hopes and dreams
When you disappeared from my song
In an instant my music became as cold as night
Longing for your embrace
And the touch of your heart
Feels like there's no other way
But to let the teardrops fall
How it stings, this thing called love
When I hoped and believed when you said
You'd take me to your palace far away
Into the changing skies
Everything as you promised
But it was only the winds
That carried all my hopes and dreams
My heart cries, my heart cries
From the memory of what you said
When I still felt your love
You'd take me to your palace far away
Into the changing skies
Everything as you promised
But it was only the winds
That carried all my hopes and dreams
My dream began with you
Your beauty is the heart that cannot forget
When Im with you I always feel
Stars peeking from your eyes
Overwhelming joy this thing called love
I hope it never changes
My hopes and dreams
You keep alive
Now that your love is real
Your tune is like a song
Bringing happiness to chaos
How wonderful this thing called love
Especially when you said
You'd take me to your palace far away
Into the changing skies
Everything as you promised
But it was only the winds
That carried all my hopes and dreams
When you disappeared from my song
In an instant my music became as cold as night
Longing for your embrace
And the touch of your heart
Feels like there's no other way
But to let the teardrops fall
How it stings, this thing called love
When I hoped and believed when you said
You'd take me to your palace far away
Into the changing skies
Everything as you promised
But it was only the winds
That carried all my hopes and dreams
My heart cries, my heart cries
From the memory of what you said
When I still felt your love
You'd take me to your palace far away
Into the changing skies
Everything as you promised
But it was only the winds
That carried all my hopes and dreams
Man and Fate
Ervin always tell me to let fate takes its course. Let everything happen naturally. It's ironic because I have learned the exact opposite from Ervin. I have learned that man is capable of controlling his own fate, what he choose to do in life and with his life. There are some things in this world that you can control by the choices you make, the paths you take.
The possibility of me and Ervin getting back together is only probable if both of us want it to happen. Suffice it to say that my love for Ervin is very much unrequited.
The possibility of me and Ervin getting back together is only probable if both of us want it to happen. Suffice it to say that my love for Ervin is very much unrequited.
Roadblock
There has been something I have been struggling with for a while now in terms of moving forward with what happened with me and Ervin. How can Ervin and I move past what happened if he keeps bringing the past with him? I love Ervin, and I want to be friends with him, but he also feels like he needs to have that guy in his life. I don't think he understands that having "A" would be very difficult in trying to rebuild, or establish a friendship with me. How can there be a possibility of me and Ervin working things out if "A" is there lingering in the background? It would always be in the back of my mind if he keeps stringing him along. I remember asking Ervin to give up "A" for the sake of our friendship. And I said I'd wait for him to make a decision. It's been a while now since I asked him to make that decision, and he hasn't. It just tells me that what he and "A" had was much more than an encounter. It tells me that what me and Ervin had wasn't as special as I thought it was.
Kristian told me that Ervin is using the same excuses, the same reasons as he did when things fell apart between us. Ervin's not going to stop because he doesn't want to and that I shouldn't have a say with who Ervin can be friends with. Well to be honest, "A" became more than a friend. He is not just a friend anymore when Ervin crossed that line. There is a reason why "A" is different. They met when me and Ervin were still together. What is this "A" have that got Ervin so sprung? He's only met him in person twice (at least from what Ervin has told me). Kristian told me that Ervin is trying to have it both ways and to me that's being selfish. And for someone who's trying to work on himself on not trying to be selfish... I'd say this first step is heading towards failure.
If Ervin is willing to risk losing me, our friendship or whatever we may have just for that "A" guy then I have to make a decision. It's so unfair because once again, Ervin is forcing me to make the decision for him. And honestly... I think I have a 90% chance of losing this one.
Kristian told me that Ervin is using the same excuses, the same reasons as he did when things fell apart between us. Ervin's not going to stop because he doesn't want to and that I shouldn't have a say with who Ervin can be friends with. Well to be honest, "A" became more than a friend. He is not just a friend anymore when Ervin crossed that line. There is a reason why "A" is different. They met when me and Ervin were still together. What is this "A" have that got Ervin so sprung? He's only met him in person twice (at least from what Ervin has told me). Kristian told me that Ervin is trying to have it both ways and to me that's being selfish. And for someone who's trying to work on himself on not trying to be selfish... I'd say this first step is heading towards failure.
If Ervin is willing to risk losing me, our friendship or whatever we may have just for that "A" guy then I have to make a decision. It's so unfair because once again, Ervin is forcing me to make the decision for him. And honestly... I think I have a 90% chance of losing this one.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Trust
How does one trust once that line has been broken? I am having a hard time trusting Ervin even as a friend. How does one recover from the ultimate betrayal? I guess one way is for earning that trust back.
What's in a Lie?
What constitutes a lie? Is a lie just a distortion of the truth? Or is it also the concealment of the truth? Is a person capable of lying always going to lie? If so, is there ever going to be a possibility of being able to trust that person again?
Monday, January 12, 2009
Lyrics of a Broken Heart
It took me a minute to wake up and see
What the love of my life was doing to me
I wanted to lay down and die
'Cause my pride wouldn't let me cry
Somehow I knew I had to get over it
He said he couldn't understand
Until he felt your touch
Now he can see why I love you so much
And that's so unfair
I never thought I'd have to share
Your love that I thought was given
To only me and that's why
I don't ever wanna see you again
But I stuck by you till the end
And my conscience is clear
And I can move on from here
But I wish I could say the same for you
I Don't Ever Want To See You Again - Uncle Sam
What the love of my life was doing to me
I wanted to lay down and die
'Cause my pride wouldn't let me cry
Somehow I knew I had to get over it
He said he couldn't understand
Until he felt your touch
Now he can see why I love you so much
And that's so unfair
I never thought I'd have to share
Your love that I thought was given
To only me and that's why
I don't ever wanna see you again
But I stuck by you till the end
And my conscience is clear
And I can move on from here
But I wish I could say the same for you
I Don't Ever Want To See You Again - Uncle Sam
Spiraling
The more I wait, the more I realize that Ervin's not coming back to me. I am single. I am free. There are times when I feel like I wanna sleep around, but there's always something holding me back. I'm not so sure what that is anymore. I'm single. I could do whatever I want now, with who ever I want to. So what's stopping me? What's causing me to think like this?
Is it jealousy? Why is it okay that Ervin can get away with sleeping with someone else and pass it off as a mistake? Everyone understands his reasons for doing what he did. Why can't I do the same thing? I am single. I'm not ready to be emotionally attached to someone else. I am definitely lonely. Why can't I have my fun also? And it's not like I don't know what I'm getting myself into. This is strictly physical. No emotional attachment. I realize that I'm on the rebound.
So why not?
Is it jealousy? Why is it okay that Ervin can get away with sleeping with someone else and pass it off as a mistake? Everyone understands his reasons for doing what he did. Why can't I do the same thing? I am single. I'm not ready to be emotionally attached to someone else. I am definitely lonely. Why can't I have my fun also? And it's not like I don't know what I'm getting myself into. This is strictly physical. No emotional attachment. I realize that I'm on the rebound.
So why not?
Trying Times...
As I sit in the office I ponder... "why do I try so hard to be friends with Ervin? " I laugh at myself. It's funny how I'm the one trying so hard when Ervin was the one who messed up. Ervin told me to not try so hard and let everything fall into place. And I ask myself... "why do I need to try?"
I guess it just seems that it's so easy for everyone else to obtain Ervin's friendship. I see Ervin making friends all the time. And as someone who, at least in my mind, was very close to Ervin at one point, I felt that I shouldn't have to compete with any stranger that want's to be friends with Ervin. Then why do I feel like I am competing?
To be honest I am just realizing this now as I type this entry on my blog, LOL. The reason why I felt like I am vying for Ervin's attention is because he pushed me away so far, and all these other people that I have not even heard of came rushing in and I felt like I was pushed to the back of the line. I guess it's normal to feel that way when you're bumped down to "friend" status. You become just like one of the guys but honestly, sometimes I don't even feel like one of the guys, LOL (no pun intended).
So once again, I ask myself... "why do I need to try?" The answer is I do not need to try. If Ervin does not see me for what I meant to him, if I'm just one of the regular joe's now then there's really nothing I can do about it. Ervin should be the one trying and since he's not, Ervin will miss me someday. And what better day to start, than today.
I guess it just seems that it's so easy for everyone else to obtain Ervin's friendship. I see Ervin making friends all the time. And as someone who, at least in my mind, was very close to Ervin at one point, I felt that I shouldn't have to compete with any stranger that want's to be friends with Ervin. Then why do I feel like I am competing?
To be honest I am just realizing this now as I type this entry on my blog, LOL. The reason why I felt like I am vying for Ervin's attention is because he pushed me away so far, and all these other people that I have not even heard of came rushing in and I felt like I was pushed to the back of the line. I guess it's normal to feel that way when you're bumped down to "friend" status. You become just like one of the guys but honestly, sometimes I don't even feel like one of the guys, LOL (no pun intended).
So once again, I ask myself... "why do I need to try?" The answer is I do not need to try. If Ervin does not see me for what I meant to him, if I'm just one of the regular joe's now then there's really nothing I can do about it. Ervin should be the one trying and since he's not, Ervin will miss me someday. And what better day to start, than today.
Jokes on Me
Last night I had the misfortune of having one of the most chat misunderstandings I have ever experienced. As I was innocently chatting and joking around with Ervin, I said something that offended him. Though unintentional, I apologized for what I said. Although some jokes are half meant, last night's joke was not intended to offend Ervin, nor was it meant in a negative way. I have called him that word before when I was really angry and honestly thought he deserved it at that time because his actions in the past was borderline definition of the word. But last night, I honestly meant nothing by what I said. It was a rough unintentional segue gone wrong.
I couldn't sleep a wink last night from all the guilt, even though it was a misunderstanding, I couldn't help but think that this bad night caused Ervin to slip further away from me. I woke up extra early today to see Ervin at the train station. I wanted to apologize in person. I still love Ervin and wouldnt want to offend him or put a strain on our friendship.
I realized I am the type of person who dwells on guilt and remorse, and I end up apologizing until I know for sure that everything is "okay". Ervin on the other hand... not so much, lol. I just need to adjust and know that when Ervin apologizes, he only says it once and I should trust that he meant it and let it be. We're like 2 sides of the same coin. Which is not a "bad" thing... If we think and act alike... it would be too much. People already think we're brothers, LOL!
So once again, on record and for the last time if you are reading this "I'm sorry Ervin".
I couldn't sleep a wink last night from all the guilt, even though it was a misunderstanding, I couldn't help but think that this bad night caused Ervin to slip further away from me. I woke up extra early today to see Ervin at the train station. I wanted to apologize in person. I still love Ervin and wouldnt want to offend him or put a strain on our friendship.
I realized I am the type of person who dwells on guilt and remorse, and I end up apologizing until I know for sure that everything is "okay". Ervin on the other hand... not so much, lol. I just need to adjust and know that when Ervin apologizes, he only says it once and I should trust that he meant it and let it be. We're like 2 sides of the same coin. Which is not a "bad" thing... If we think and act alike... it would be too much. People already think we're brothers, LOL!
So once again, on record and for the last time if you are reading this "I'm sorry Ervin".
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Re-evaluating My Love
During the past few days, through such emotional turmoil I had a chance of figuring things out in matters of my feelings for Ervin. Yesterday I found out that the guy he slept with was the same guy he was kissing on his cam the night of his birthday. During that time I have never thought much about it because Ervin reassured me that those were his friends. It was later on I discovered that they had just met that same night. Flash forward 2 1/2 months later and they ended up sleeping together. Yes, we were separated when it happened, but the fact is, I couldn't help but think it started when we were still together. What hurts me the most is that during this whole time, Ervin questioned his love for me and pushed me away. To the point where I got cornered and felt like I had no other options left but to break it off. Ervin did not leave me with a choice... he pulled further and further away while he was getting closer and closer to that guy he met on his birthday. The decisions and actions he's taken are borderline manipulative.
Yes, me and Ervin had our share of problems to overcome... but Ervin invited that temptation in instead of trying to work whatever problems we could work out at that time. Ervin actually seeked him out, even going as far as traveling to San Jose.
I love Ervin. I still do love him. I forgave him for everything, looked past through all his flaws.
At a time where everyone is so independent, and divorces are as easy as deciding what to wear the next day, it is very easy to just give up on a relationship. My love for Ervin is greater than what today's society is capable of understanding. And now...
There's a huge "but" thats thrown in there. And although I am trying really hard to hold on, I can't help but feel that I should just let go. Is this really "love"? Or am I so blinded by love that I'm willing to overlook what had happened.
I am one who believes love can forgive anything... I'm beginning to wonder if there should be exceptions to that rule.
Yes, me and Ervin had our share of problems to overcome... but Ervin invited that temptation in instead of trying to work whatever problems we could work out at that time. Ervin actually seeked him out, even going as far as traveling to San Jose.
I love Ervin. I still do love him. I forgave him for everything, looked past through all his flaws.
At a time where everyone is so independent, and divorces are as easy as deciding what to wear the next day, it is very easy to just give up on a relationship. My love for Ervin is greater than what today's society is capable of understanding. And now...
There's a huge "but" thats thrown in there. And although I am trying really hard to hold on, I can't help but feel that I should just let go. Is this really "love"? Or am I so blinded by love that I'm willing to overlook what had happened.
I am one who believes love can forgive anything... I'm beginning to wonder if there should be exceptions to that rule.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Still Trying... err Growing
Last night I went to the club, partially because I needed to get out, escape from life and meet new friends. A part of me was also hoping to see Ervin there and the other half wished to avoid him. I guess avoiding him was impossible. The encounter was more or less bittersweet. "It's over". I kept telling myself that repeatedly as I watched Ervin enjoy himself from afar. It was pretty hard.
I met some new friends and they comforted me. Tried to make me laugh, get me to dance. I had forgotten what that feeling was like... meeting new people. It distracted me from the issues with life and love that I've been struggling with. It distracted me so much that it began masking the pain I felt for the past few days. I started not to care and to me that's a bad thing. I need to give this pain a proper healing. I need to give our relationship the respect and time it needs to heal even if it's gonna take me months to get over Ervin, then so be it. It's so easy to just bandage it up with "distractions" and easier to give in to temptations just like Ervin did. I'm not going to do that because what we had meant so much more to me just to use distractions as a bandaid. It would be easier I admit, but I won't grow as a person if I did that. I will become an uncaring and selfish person and I cannot let that happen. I cannot let myself make the same mistakes Ervin made. I cannot let myself willingly make mistakes just for the sake of "learning" from it. The first time should have been enough. I've made the same mistakes before. So why would I want it to continue?
Surveying my surroundings I started to think clearly... is this what I really want in my life. Is this the kind of environment that I want to keep hanging on to. Do I really want to go clubbing every week? I am turning 29 this year and really had to focus on what I want. Clubbing is great, it's a distraction from life, but is this what I want to carry with me throughout my adulthood. The answer is... no. But the temptation of this lifestyle has its own gravitational pull. It's the only place where you can actually feel comfortable about yourself, dance the night away, make out with whoever you want to without anyone judging you about your orientation. The temptation is great. And there's always reasons... "I had a bad week", "I worked so hard I earned this", "I feel lonely and need to connect with someone".
I promise myself that I would not let myself get carried away in this kind of lifestyle. I need to be better, grow wiser. I need to find another outlet.
I met some new friends and they comforted me. Tried to make me laugh, get me to dance. I had forgotten what that feeling was like... meeting new people. It distracted me from the issues with life and love that I've been struggling with. It distracted me so much that it began masking the pain I felt for the past few days. I started not to care and to me that's a bad thing. I need to give this pain a proper healing. I need to give our relationship the respect and time it needs to heal even if it's gonna take me months to get over Ervin, then so be it. It's so easy to just bandage it up with "distractions" and easier to give in to temptations just like Ervin did. I'm not going to do that because what we had meant so much more to me just to use distractions as a bandaid. It would be easier I admit, but I won't grow as a person if I did that. I will become an uncaring and selfish person and I cannot let that happen. I cannot let myself make the same mistakes Ervin made. I cannot let myself willingly make mistakes just for the sake of "learning" from it. The first time should have been enough. I've made the same mistakes before. So why would I want it to continue?
Surveying my surroundings I started to think clearly... is this what I really want in my life. Is this the kind of environment that I want to keep hanging on to. Do I really want to go clubbing every week? I am turning 29 this year and really had to focus on what I want. Clubbing is great, it's a distraction from life, but is this what I want to carry with me throughout my adulthood. The answer is... no. But the temptation of this lifestyle has its own gravitational pull. It's the only place where you can actually feel comfortable about yourself, dance the night away, make out with whoever you want to without anyone judging you about your orientation. The temptation is great. And there's always reasons... "I had a bad week", "I worked so hard I earned this", "I feel lonely and need to connect with someone".
I promise myself that I would not let myself get carried away in this kind of lifestyle. I need to be better, grow wiser. I need to find another outlet.
Eyes Open...
Yesterday I tried to avoid Ervin all throughout the day. I wanted to talk to him but I resisted. A part of me hoped that he would call at least to say "what's up". But he didn't. By the end of the work day I realized that I don't matter as much to him anymore and it's something I must accept. For the first time I'm beginning to open my eyes and see the truth for what it really is. Ervin stopped caring.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Like A Knife...
Someone happened to share some pictures with me, that I would have not rather have seen. These breaks my heart repeatedly but I decided to keep these as a reminder as to why we never had a chance to work it out.
I goin to go out for a walk...
I goin to go out for a walk...
Goin Down One Notch at a Time
Today I dare ask the question, "How does someone get bump from 'boyfriend' to 'friend' to 'acquaintance' status? And how does one deal with it?'
I guess the answer all has to do with the person who bumped you off. First and foremost... a "break-up", something that tells you that the relationship is definitely over and that their love for you is not as strong as before or completely gone. Next, take note of how he interacts with you, and how he interacts with his friends and strangers.
If he's able to flirt with his friends (if that's what he defines them to be) and strangers and he seem to have trouble flirting with you, it usually means... your charms are now ineffective. He is no longer attracted to you. He no longer thinks of you romantically and that whatever magic existed between you two have quickly went up in smoke. He's grown tired of you.
If you ask him questions, and his answers are usually "I don't know" it usually means he doesn't want to deal with you or he just doesn't want to give you an answer. It's better that you stop questioning now because it is not going to get you anywhere.
From someone you used to share everything with, your thoughts, your feelings, your hopes, and fears... to someone who totally closed themselves off to you.
This kind of behavior often means they don't want to share anything with you anymore.
It's better to let them be.
*Note to self: READ THIS ENTRY EVERYDAY - *
I guess the answer all has to do with the person who bumped you off. First and foremost... a "break-up", something that tells you that the relationship is definitely over and that their love for you is not as strong as before or completely gone. Next, take note of how he interacts with you, and how he interacts with his friends and strangers.
If he's able to flirt with his friends (if that's what he defines them to be) and strangers and he seem to have trouble flirting with you, it usually means... your charms are now ineffective. He is no longer attracted to you. He no longer thinks of you romantically and that whatever magic existed between you two have quickly went up in smoke. He's grown tired of you.
If you ask him questions, and his answers are usually "I don't know" it usually means he doesn't want to deal with you or he just doesn't want to give you an answer. It's better that you stop questioning now because it is not going to get you anywhere.
From someone you used to share everything with, your thoughts, your feelings, your hopes, and fears... to someone who totally closed themselves off to you.
This kind of behavior often means they don't want to share anything with you anymore.
It's better to let them be.
*Note to self: READ THIS ENTRY EVERYDAY - *
Union Station
Yesterday was a hard day for me emotionally. I am still struggling with moving on and losing the one that I love due to my situation. I am having difficulty accepting that he has already moved on to better things. I know I should refocus and do the same thing, but how do you let go of someone youve known for almost 7 years. How do you let go of the love youve felt for them for 3 years. I am having a hard time facing the truth.
I decided to surprise Ervin at the train station. My heart beating fast. My palms started sweating. As if I'm living that moment straight out of a movie script. I just wanted a familiar hug. I wanted him to comfort me like he did before. Seeing his crooked smile delighted me, but I was quickly reminded that this feeling is temporary because deep inside I know that his feelings for me are gone. I have to accept the fact that he's moved on and he 's only there as a friend.
Union Station... where trains meet each other at one focal point, sharing a brief time together knowing that sooner or later each must depart they're own separate ways. I guess you can say Ervin and I are like two trains. One headed one way and one headed the other. I miss Ervin. I miss him everyday.
I'm trying my best everyday. Letting go is something I must do everyday.
I decided to surprise Ervin at the train station. My heart beating fast. My palms started sweating. As if I'm living that moment straight out of a movie script. I just wanted a familiar hug. I wanted him to comfort me like he did before. Seeing his crooked smile delighted me, but I was quickly reminded that this feeling is temporary because deep inside I know that his feelings for me are gone. I have to accept the fact that he's moved on and he 's only there as a friend.
Union Station... where trains meet each other at one focal point, sharing a brief time together knowing that sooner or later each must depart they're own separate ways. I guess you can say Ervin and I are like two trains. One headed one way and one headed the other. I miss Ervin. I miss him everyday.
I'm trying my best everyday. Letting go is something I must do everyday.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Starting Over...
I am very much optimistic that blogging will be therapeutic and key to helping me deal with my current station in life.
It is a new year after all. Its time to start over.
It is a new year after all. Its time to start over.
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