Don and I (I was taking the picture, lol) eating at Bubba Gump. Had shrimp scampi and a bucket of shrimp in beer n butter LOL YUM!
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Bubba Gump
Don and I (I was taking the picture, lol) eating at Bubba Gump. Had shrimp scampi and a bucket of shrimp in beer n butter LOL YUM!
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Tweedle Dee N Tweedle Dum
LoL heres me and my friend Don, goofing around after hours at our friend RJ's work: Pinkberry. Nothing like spending the day by the beach with friends. I am greatful that I've gotten to know these two, LOL.
Friday, March 27, 2009
exBFs vs FBs
Would falling for a potential FB and being rejected hurt more than being dumped for someone else by a BF for 3 years?
Im In-Like With Donut
Ok so I have been hanging out with Donut alot these past few weeks. I see him at least once or twice a week lol. I feel like a kid in a toy store crying "...but I really really want it", haha. Everytime I see Donut I just smile from ear to ear. Maybe its his thick visayan accent, or how he reminds me so much of me, lol. I think it's his height, no... it's definitely his height, haha. He's a down to earth filipino, he knows how it is to struggle. He exudes confidence and at the same time shows humility and I like that about him. He's not flashy or showy... he doesn't need all the expensive things money can buy. A person can be rich in many other ways than having money.
One thing that I do stand my guard on is his carefree attitude about relationships. From what he's shared with me, I guess he's either been hurt so much, or too independent that makes me question his stance on relationships. In a way, I understand him. I've been hurt recently, and I don't know if a relationship is something I'm looking for right now either. But I honestly do like him, and find myself becoming more and more interested. The lesson I learned from my last relationship is that I should not give my heart fully, not anymore. And in a way it has made me become selfish, and guarded and I hate that my ex turned me into that kind of person, just when I started feeling like I can open up to people. But at the same time I'm thankful, because I can be alone and know that I'll be ok. But my ability to love someone fully and have my heart fly has been grounded... at least for now.
Donut is a great distraction from my past, and the problems Im struggling with. Whether or not Donut is the guy that can have me open up again and this thing we have come into fruition, time will tell. I'm a patient and understanding guy. But I can still hope - crosses fingers -
One thing that I do stand my guard on is his carefree attitude about relationships. From what he's shared with me, I guess he's either been hurt so much, or too independent that makes me question his stance on relationships. In a way, I understand him. I've been hurt recently, and I don't know if a relationship is something I'm looking for right now either. But I honestly do like him, and find myself becoming more and more interested. The lesson I learned from my last relationship is that I should not give my heart fully, not anymore. And in a way it has made me become selfish, and guarded and I hate that my ex turned me into that kind of person, just when I started feeling like I can open up to people. But at the same time I'm thankful, because I can be alone and know that I'll be ok. But my ability to love someone fully and have my heart fly has been grounded... at least for now.
Donut is a great distraction from my past, and the problems Im struggling with. Whether or not Donut is the guy that can have me open up again and this thing we have come into fruition, time will tell. I'm a patient and understanding guy. But I can still hope - crosses fingers -
Loving Yourself
Whitney once said, "Loving yourself will be the greatest love of all".
Does loving yourself automatically make you a selfish person? Does it justify someone leaving a relationship to find someone better?
What if he said, "I love myself enough not to go down with you on this sinking ship." How would you respond?
I would respond, "Throw me a freakin lifesaver you idiot."
Ahh I don't know why Im ranting lol. I guess I am still hurting inside, and I'm getting my fix off someone else.
I guess now that I am single, I can be selfish and say I love myself enough not to go down that road with Ervin, again. Too much hurt, too much love thrown around, too complicated. And while Ervin has shown me the best of what life has to offer, he's never really shown me the best of what a person can offer: the capacity to love me unconditionally.
Does loving yourself automatically make you a selfish person? Does it justify someone leaving a relationship to find someone better?
What if he said, "I love myself enough not to go down with you on this sinking ship." How would you respond?
I would respond, "Throw me a freakin lifesaver you idiot."
Ahh I don't know why Im ranting lol. I guess I am still hurting inside, and I'm getting my fix off someone else.
I guess now that I am single, I can be selfish and say I love myself enough not to go down that road with Ervin, again. Too much hurt, too much love thrown around, too complicated. And while Ervin has shown me the best of what life has to offer, he's never really shown me the best of what a person can offer: the capacity to love me unconditionally.
Clarity
"Mark, if he truly loved you to begin with, he wouldn't have wasted something so sacred on someone that's so insignificant and random in his life. He would have saved that "last" special moment with someone who he loved, and unfortunately you weren't that person."
As I thought about those words, the last 3 years snapped into focus. Ervin didn't really love me. I think he was in love with the idea of having me in his life more than anything.
I once read that love is not an emotion but an ability. Some people are able to love, and some simply cannot no matter how hard they force themselves to.
As I step back from the past few months, and step into something new I realize the past 3 years was just that... 3 years of life and experience. What would make it stand out from the rest of my life? My mind is blank as a canvas. Details from the last 3 years are slipping away from my memory.
I would chalk this past 3 years with Ervin... to a long-term "fling". Did I love Ervin? I'd like to think it was love. Now I'm not so sure. Let's just say I still care. *shrugs*
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
Love Affair
So has anyone been keeping up with the tabloids lately? It turns out that LeAnn Rimes was having an affair with the hot Eddie Cibrian, lol. I never would have thought someone so innocent as LeAnn Rimes would fall for such temptation. Anyway this brings up the topic of: affairs. Whether physical or emotional, how much tolerance does society have for such things. There are open relationships out there. More and more people have grown tolerant and using excuses to justify their actions. Let's list them down shall we.
Excuses why people have an affair:
Failing Relationship - One of the common causes of why people turn to affairs is a failing relationship. Instead of trying to work on their current one, they just up and leave, and cling to the next one. As if jumping on other people's cock will solve the problem.
Statistics - "Everyone does it". I mean 50% of relationships go down the drain anyway so why not just "go with the flow".
Morally Bankrupt - People just do it because they want to have fun and get away with it. "If my boyfriend doesn't know it won't hurt him. It's none of his business anyway".
It's Become A Norm - Sometimes people who have affairs think it's a normal thing. Perhaps because of society or maybe even brought up in that environment where affairs have become a norm. I mean if nobody is fighting it, everyone is accepting it.
Selfish Carnal Needs - "I just want sex with other people". Perhaps they weren't satisfied in bed and looked for something bigger... errr better.
Adrenaline - It's that rush you get when you know when you're doing something that you're not suppose to. As some might put it "spontaneous".
I've heard my share of excuses from past relationships. It doesn't change the fact that it fucked me up in the head. But as I grow older, I don't necessarily grow wiser- I grow distant from what I've always believed in.
Perhaps I'm just being "real" with the community that I surround myself in even when I think that a person is different from all others, they are usually like the rest.
Excuses why people have an affair:
Failing Relationship - One of the common causes of why people turn to affairs is a failing relationship. Instead of trying to work on their current one, they just up and leave, and cling to the next one. As if jumping on other people's cock will solve the problem.
Statistics - "Everyone does it". I mean 50% of relationships go down the drain anyway so why not just "go with the flow".
Morally Bankrupt - People just do it because they want to have fun and get away with it. "If my boyfriend doesn't know it won't hurt him. It's none of his business anyway".
It's Become A Norm - Sometimes people who have affairs think it's a normal thing. Perhaps because of society or maybe even brought up in that environment where affairs have become a norm. I mean if nobody is fighting it, everyone is accepting it.
Selfish Carnal Needs - "I just want sex with other people". Perhaps they weren't satisfied in bed and looked for something bigger... errr better.
Adrenaline - It's that rush you get when you know when you're doing something that you're not suppose to. As some might put it "spontaneous".
I've heard my share of excuses from past relationships. It doesn't change the fact that it fucked me up in the head. But as I grow older, I don't necessarily grow wiser- I grow distant from what I've always believed in.
Perhaps I'm just being "real" with the community that I surround myself in even when I think that a person is different from all others, they are usually like the rest.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Labels or Love
Shopping shopping... I love the mall lol. My latest hang out spot is the Americana in Glendale. I love watching the fountains dance to the music.
Torn
You said you'll always have a place for me in your heart, then why do I feel I'm always getting pushed out. I have many sleepless nights where I ask myself if I'm making the right decisions, the right choices. A part of me wants to go, and the other part wants to stay.
A huge part of me feels there's nothing left for me here. Should I trust my feelings? Or should I keep looking and hoping that there is still something left for me in your heart?
...
You seem happy. I guess that's all that matters now.
A huge part of me feels there's nothing left for me here. Should I trust my feelings? Or should I keep looking and hoping that there is still something left for me in your heart?
...
You seem happy. I guess that's all that matters now.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Oh Danny Boy
Happy St. Patrick's Day everyone. I hope you guys stay safe and have a designated driver. Cheers.
Goodbye
It's a shame
That it had to be this way.
It's not enough to say I'm sorry.
It's not enough to say I'm sorry.
Maybe I'm to blame
Or maybe we're the same.
But either way I can't breathe.
Either way I cant breathe.
All I
Had to say is goodbye.
We're better off this way.
We're better off this way.
That it had to be this way.
It's not enough to say I'm sorry.
It's not enough to say I'm sorry.
Maybe I'm to blame
Or maybe we're the same.
But either way I can't breathe.
Either way I cant breathe.
All I
Had to say is goodbye.
We're better off this way.
We're better off this way.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Fallin
Im fallin hard and not on love. I am actually thinking about having a friend with benefits. Have I fallen that hard that I cant find myself feeling anything for anyone anymore? The whole idea of finding the "one" has kinda lost its meaning to me. There is no such thing as the "one". From what I learned from my previous relationship is if it works it works and if it doesnt it doesnt. Dont count on any promises of a future thats uncertain. Thats why having friends with benefits are beginning to sound practical to me. I learned that love isnt for everyone. Im beginning to think its not for me.
Take A Picture
I bought myself a new digital camera and its great! Yeay for me...
Sony - Cyber-shot 9.1-Megapixel Digital Camera
Model: DSC-H50/B
9.1-megapixel CCD
Captures high-resolution images up to 3480 x 2608 pixels. Super 1/2.3" HAD CCD allows more light to each pixel, increasing sensitivity and reducing noise.
15x Optical Zoom/2x Digital Zoom
For capturing sharp, detailed images. Smart Zoom intelligently crops into the central portion of the photo, helping avoid image degradation. Carl Zeiss Vario-Tessar lens for professional-quality shots.
3" Tilt-up Clear Photo LCD screen
With antireflective coating for excellent visibility to help you compose, shoot and view pictures even in bright sunlight.
Super SteadyShot
Image stabilization and high sensitivity (ISO 3200) Minimizes blur due to hand shake, low light conditions or times when flash is not possible. Variable noise reduction settings for clear, sharp low-light shots.
Face Detection Technology
Tracks faces within the frame and automatically focuses and optimizes exposure. Smile Shutter mode allows you to shoot automatically when your subject laughs, smiles or grins.
NightShot Infrared System
Lets you shoot photos in near-dark or totally dark (0 lux) conditions without using a flash for creative night scenes that lie beyond the power of conventional cameras.
Scene Modes
Include auto, beach, high sensitivity, landscape, snow, soft snap and twilight. Intelligent Scene Recognition mode detects different types of scenes and selects the appropriate setting.
Burst Mode
Fires off 3 shots automatically at 1- or 2-second intervals so you can capture all the fast-paced action. Bracket mode records 3 images with 1 shot, each with different settings for great shots in changing conditions.
9-point Autofocus
Evaluates your shot at 9 points instead of 5 for great results even with off-center subjects. Monitoring and flexible spot AF and AF illuminator light also help you take sharp, detailed pictures.
D-Range Optimization
Powered by the exclusive Bionz high-speed processing engine. Preserves image data in bright highlights and reveals more detail in shadows or backlit areas for great results in difficult lighting conditions.
White Balance Settings
Include auto, daylight, cloudy, incandescent, flash, one push, one push set and 3 different fluorescent white balance controls for natural tones under different lighting conditions.
Flash Modes
Include auto, forced-on, forced-off and slow synchro for great images no matter what the lighting.
In-camera Effects
Include soft-edge, partial color and fish-eye filters. Also includes red-eye correction. Happy Face effect uses photo retouching to put a smile on faces. Color modes include vivid, sepia, natural and black-and-white.
High-quality Video Clips
Record 640 x 480 VGA video with audio and capture all the fast-paced action.
15MB Internal Memory
Supports Memory Stick PRO Duo cards
Wheel Dial
Lets you quickly change camera settings in manual modes and control ISO sensitivity, focus area and exposure value. The wheel dial also provides a quick way to view your next or previous shot in play mode.
Remote
Controls basic camera functions, allowing you to take self-portraits or to playback pictures on your TV while sitting on your couch.
High-definition Output
Lets you display high-definition photos and create an HD slideshow using Photomusic with music and graphics when connected to your compatible high-definition TV.
PictBridge Compatible
Connect your camera to a compatible printer and print photos directly without using a PC. USB 2.0 port allows you to connect to your computer.
Stamina Battery Power
Provides extended battery life and shooting capacity.
Sony - Cyber-shot 9.1-Megapixel Digital Camera
Model: DSC-H50/B
9.1-megapixel CCD
Captures high-resolution images up to 3480 x 2608 pixels. Super 1/2.3" HAD CCD allows more light to each pixel, increasing sensitivity and reducing noise.
15x Optical Zoom/2x Digital Zoom
For capturing sharp, detailed images. Smart Zoom intelligently crops into the central portion of the photo, helping avoid image degradation. Carl Zeiss Vario-Tessar lens for professional-quality shots.
3" Tilt-up Clear Photo LCD screen
With antireflective coating for excellent visibility to help you compose, shoot and view pictures even in bright sunlight.
Super SteadyShot
Image stabilization and high sensitivity (ISO 3200) Minimizes blur due to hand shake, low light conditions or times when flash is not possible. Variable noise reduction settings for clear, sharp low-light shots.
Face Detection Technology
Tracks faces within the frame and automatically focuses and optimizes exposure. Smile Shutter mode allows you to shoot automatically when your subject laughs, smiles or grins.
NightShot Infrared System
Lets you shoot photos in near-dark or totally dark (0 lux) conditions without using a flash for creative night scenes that lie beyond the power of conventional cameras.
Scene Modes
Include auto, beach, high sensitivity, landscape, snow, soft snap and twilight. Intelligent Scene Recognition mode detects different types of scenes and selects the appropriate setting.
Burst Mode
Fires off 3 shots automatically at 1- or 2-second intervals so you can capture all the fast-paced action. Bracket mode records 3 images with 1 shot, each with different settings for great shots in changing conditions.
9-point Autofocus
Evaluates your shot at 9 points instead of 5 for great results even with off-center subjects. Monitoring and flexible spot AF and AF illuminator light also help you take sharp, detailed pictures.
D-Range Optimization
Powered by the exclusive Bionz high-speed processing engine. Preserves image data in bright highlights and reveals more detail in shadows or backlit areas for great results in difficult lighting conditions.
White Balance Settings
Include auto, daylight, cloudy, incandescent, flash, one push, one push set and 3 different fluorescent white balance controls for natural tones under different lighting conditions.
Flash Modes
Include auto, forced-on, forced-off and slow synchro for great images no matter what the lighting.
In-camera Effects
Include soft-edge, partial color and fish-eye filters. Also includes red-eye correction. Happy Face effect uses photo retouching to put a smile on faces. Color modes include vivid, sepia, natural and black-and-white.
High-quality Video Clips
Record 640 x 480 VGA video with audio and capture all the fast-paced action.
15MB Internal Memory
Supports Memory Stick PRO Duo cards
Wheel Dial
Lets you quickly change camera settings in manual modes and control ISO sensitivity, focus area and exposure value. The wheel dial also provides a quick way to view your next or previous shot in play mode.
Remote
Controls basic camera functions, allowing you to take self-portraits or to playback pictures on your TV while sitting on your couch.
High-definition Output
Lets you display high-definition photos and create an HD slideshow using Photomusic with music and graphics when connected to your compatible high-definition TV.
PictBridge Compatible
Connect your camera to a compatible printer and print photos directly without using a PC. USB 2.0 port allows you to connect to your computer.
Stamina Battery Power
Provides extended battery life and shooting capacity.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Happy Birthday
One year down, many more to go. Many people celebrate their birthdays extravagantly. I know some who celebrate it a full week. Some expect expensive gifts. Some people use their birthdays as an excuse to do something out of character. Im more humble about my birthdays. I dont announce it to the whole world and say 'gimme gimme gimme'. Birthdays are not an excuse to be greedy and selfish. I celebrate life itself and show humility and be thankful that I have made it another year.
I celebrate my birthdays on a more spiritual level. While I do love to spend my birthdays with friends and family, I enjoy the more meaningful part and take time to reflect on myself and where I am in life. What I have been through and what I have learned from my experiences. What I want, what I need, and what I deserve. And I am thankful that Im still here.
I like to start off by thanking God for being by my side throughout the whole 29 years. I also like to thank him for providing everything I ever needed. I am thankful for the lessons he has taught me.
I'd like to thank my parents for being there for me, eventhough we buttheads.
I'd like to thank my friends- past, present, and future for -sharing their experiences with me.
There are things that I'd like to change and things that I wish were true at this point in my life. But we all cant have what we want in life. We all just have to be thankful that we are still here. I know I have more years to go and its a long road. I know I can get there.
So, to being a young 29 and still lookin like a sexy 22 year old and to a new beginning. Cheers. And thank you.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
D.O.N.
My new friend Don. Hee hee hee. Anyway hes very cool, hard working and sometimes... hardly working haha. Anyway it's great hanging out with this foo on the weekends talking bout all his crazy experiences haha. Yeay you man nurse.
Space
Things are a little bit easier everyday now that I am taking some time and space for myself. Not necessarily better but easier. Adapting and enjoying being single and not looking back. Hollah! =)
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Give My Love Away
For someone who believes in love so deeply, I find it hard to understand how it can never be enough for some and how it can just be given away when its no longer wanted or needed.
I guess a part of me has become numb from the pain. I focused so much on loving others around me that it ended up hurting me. Now as I meet new people and get to know them, I find it harder and harder to find that sense of love. It has become superficial. It has become selfish. Perhaps Im just finding comfort in the company of others, trying to feel something.
I just feel like all the love that I had in me was taken and given away and Im not sure how to get it back and give it to someone who truly deserves it.
I guess a part of me has become numb from the pain. I focused so much on loving others around me that it ended up hurting me. Now as I meet new people and get to know them, I find it harder and harder to find that sense of love. It has become superficial. It has become selfish. Perhaps Im just finding comfort in the company of others, trying to feel something.
I just feel like all the love that I had in me was taken and given away and Im not sure how to get it back and give it to someone who truly deserves it.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
No Promises
I'd rather people not make me any promises than keep promising something and breaking them. With that said, I am letting go of everything I know and leaving everything behind. As good and understanding of a friend I am, I do not deserve to be yanked around especially when it comes to something as meaningful as a promise.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Love Train
People all over the world join in, start a love train. love train. LoL I am loving loopt right now. Whooo I see more and more dots everyday.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Sober
Its been 3 months since me and Ervin broke up. Everyday I have been learning to let go of the anger and the hate I felt towards him. Everyday I miss him but I am learning to let go without letting go of the love I have for him. I know things will be okay for me no matter where this life takes me. I know that my feelings for Ervin will remain constant, no matter how complicated or difficult it is.
During these past 3 months I have learned alot about myself. How much I can tolerate and how much patience I have. I also learned not to take anything lying down and not play the victim to those who hurt me. Yes, what happened was painful, but I cannot change Ervin's feelings for me. I am learning to live with it and moving on one step at a time.
Three months waiting for my feelings to be reciprocated. Three months realizing that its never gonna happem.
With my birthday coming up, it is time to leave the past behind and move on from these shackles I have been chained to. It is time to explore new possibilities and meet new people. It is time to open up my heart again. One step at a time. Leaving behind the hope and comfort of the life I had dreamed of with Ervin is heartbreaking, but I know I must move forward and dream bigger dreams. Maybe I will find my someone at the end of this road.
During these past 3 months I have learned alot about myself. How much I can tolerate and how much patience I have. I also learned not to take anything lying down and not play the victim to those who hurt me. Yes, what happened was painful, but I cannot change Ervin's feelings for me. I am learning to live with it and moving on one step at a time.
Three months waiting for my feelings to be reciprocated. Three months realizing that its never gonna happem.
With my birthday coming up, it is time to leave the past behind and move on from these shackles I have been chained to. It is time to explore new possibilities and meet new people. It is time to open up my heart again. One step at a time. Leaving behind the hope and comfort of the life I had dreamed of with Ervin is heartbreaking, but I know I must move forward and dream bigger dreams. Maybe I will find my someone at the end of this road.
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