The Friend Zone

How many times does one need say that he's glad that you're his friend when he knows you have romantic feelings for him?

Famous lines:

I'm glad we're friends.
I'm so happy that you're my friend. It means a lot to me.
We're friends, right?

I GOT IT!

Being in the friend zone sucks.

Long Day At Disneyland

I just got back from Disneyland. It was an interesting day of confusion and clarity. The guy I liked came with us. Felt like old times. It made me wonder if all my feelings for him were still there. It was great for awhile. Then BOOM!!! He's dating someone.

The guy hes talking to came and joined us.

... ... ... I was kinda sad at first but theres no room for sadness at the happiest place on earth.

He holds my hand. ... ... He holds his.
He holds my hand... ... He holds his.
He hugs me... .... ... He hugs him.

Seeing him and his date interact was a bit painful but I can really tell that the guy likes him. Even though he straights out denies it and claims that they are just friends. I can see this guy falling for the guy I liked in the same exact way that I did a few months ago. Seeing this all unravel in front of my eyes was hard to witness, but it was necessary for me to realize and reach a certain point of clarity. That the guy I liked also liked this guy he's dating. And he looked happy.

At this point I really just want him to be happy even if it's not with me. They say that the perfect act of love is sacrifice. And if I have to sacrifice my feelings for this guy just so that he can be happy. Then I would do it.

At the end of the day, Im back to where I was when I first started. I am at peace with myself. My feelings for this guy will undoubtedly linger for a while. But there really was no point in me pursuing. I just hope he's happy.

And with that said... I now know that I have to find my own happiness, perhaps it's with someone else or maybe just be at peace with being single for awhile. Either way this chapter of an unrequited love story needs to close.

Good night.

Back To Basics: Reboot!

Wow! So I havent been blogging for more than a year now. Well alot has happened. Lets start with this year.

So I met this guy. He was really cool and awesome. He became a very good friend of mine. Over time my feelings grew for him. It was great, but it was also confusing. Just because I was with someone already. (But that relationship was a sinking ship waiting to go under... it was just a matter of time.)

So I fell for this guy. Simply because I saw something in him that I thought was genuine and true. Something I once was: a hopeless romantic. A part of myself that I had lost 2 years ago. And he brought that back for me. And I became that hopeless romantic again. I would have tried to do anything for this guy. (But I was still with someone.)

A few months have passed and the ship I was in went under. It was inevitable. We settled our differences and went our own separate ways. We remained good friends...

A few days of grieving I have to come to terms with the fact that I was yet again... single.

Hopeful... I have a brand new chance to start over. I have the courage and strength to finally and openly confess my true feelings for the guy whove become my best friend during the past few months.

Nervous. Sweaty palms. Heart beating. "I like you. And I think I always have ever since we first met."

Silence.

The guy who I thought could have been my new beginning... the guy that I fell for in the last few months suddenly backed away pushed me away.

"It's all so complicated", he says. "I don't feel the same way. I'm sorry."

All of a sudden, all the wishful thinking became empty feelings. I thought what he felt for me in the last few months was real. I guess I was wrong. Wrong about so many things. It took me awhile to realize this was just a phase to him. And I meant nothing more than a passing fling.

I realize now... that not only was I single... but I was also... alone.

Triangulars

What do you do when a past love comes back into you life but your heart has started beating again for someone new?

And will your heart continue to beat when you know that someone new has his heart beating for someone else?

M.A.R.V.I.N.

I spent Saturday with Ervin at the beach yesterday. It's been awhile since we actually hung out. Ervin and I are both in a very complicated place. Whether or not we find a way to resolve our issues or whatever we define ourselves to be at this time, I take comfort that we are still both there for each other.

Mark and Ervin the friends. Mark and Ervin the couple. Mark and Ervin the exes. No matter how we define our relationship or where we go from here, one thing will remain constant. We will always be: Mark and Ervin.

Reminder

How can I go back to loving you the way I did knowing my love wasnt strong enough the first time around? Along with the great memories, scars remain underneath the surface. People say you can forgive but you can never forget...

Blog entry Number 5, January. =0(

And though it hurts me tremendously everytime I see it, looking back helps me gauge how far I've traveled from that point and how I'm a much stronger person now.

Loving Yourself

Whitney once said, "Loving yourself will be the greatest love of all".

Does loving yourself automatically make you a selfish person? Does it justify someone leaving a relationship to find someone better?

What if he said, "I love myself enough not to go down with you on this sinking ship." How would you respond?

I would respond, "Throw me a freakin lifesaver you idiot."

Ahh I don't know why Im ranting lol. I guess I am still hurting inside, and I'm getting my fix off someone else.

I guess now that I am single, I can be selfish and say I love myself enough not to go down that road with Ervin, again. Too much hurt, too much love thrown around, too complicated. And while Ervin has shown me the best of what life has to offer, he's never really shown me the best of what a person can offer: the capacity to love me unconditionally.

Clarity

"Mark, if he truly loved you to begin with, he wouldn't have wasted something so sacred on someone that's so insignificant and random in his life. He would have saved that "last" special moment with someone who he loved, and unfortunately you weren't that person."

As I thought about those words, the last 3 years snapped into focus. Ervin didn't really love me. I think he was in love with the idea of having me in his life more than anything.

I once read that love is not an emotion but an ability. Some people are able to love, and some simply cannot no matter how hard they force themselves to.

As I step back from the past few months, and step into something new I realize the past 3 years was just that... 3 years of life and experience. What would make it stand out from the rest of my life? My mind is blank as a canvas. Details from the last 3 years are slipping away from my memory.

I would chalk this past 3 years with Ervin... to a long-term "fling". Did I love Ervin? I'd like to think it was love. Now I'm not so sure. Let's just say I still care. *shrugs*

Stupid

There's a reason why you weren't enough for him, Mark -
so stop being stupid.

Love Affair

So has anyone been keeping up with the tabloids lately? It turns out that LeAnn Rimes was having an affair with the hot Eddie Cibrian, lol. I never would have thought someone so innocent as LeAnn Rimes would fall for such temptation. Anyway this brings up the topic of: affairs. Whether physical or emotional, how much tolerance does society have for such things. There are open relationships out there. More and more people have grown tolerant and using excuses to justify their actions. Let's list them down shall we.

Excuses why people have an affair:

Failing Relationship - One of the common causes of why people turn to affairs is a failing relationship. Instead of trying to work on their current one, they just up and leave, and cling to the next one. As if jumping on other people's cock will solve the problem.

Statistics - "Everyone does it". I mean 50% of relationships go down the drain anyway so why not just "go with the flow".

Morally Bankrupt - People just do it because they want to have fun and get away with it. "If my boyfriend doesn't know it won't hurt him. It's none of his business anyway".

It's Become A Norm - Sometimes people who have affairs think it's a normal thing. Perhaps because of society or maybe even brought up in that environment where affairs have become a norm. I mean if nobody is fighting it, everyone is accepting it.

Selfish Carnal Needs - "I just want sex with other people". Perhaps they weren't satisfied in bed and looked for something bigger... errr better.

Adrenaline - It's that rush you get when you know when you're doing something that you're not suppose to. As some might put it "spontaneous".

I've heard my share of excuses from past relationships. It doesn't change the fact that it fucked me up in the head. But as I grow older, I don't necessarily grow wiser- I grow distant from what I've always believed in.

Perhaps I'm just being "real" with the community that I surround myself in even when I think that a person is different from all others, they are usually like the rest.

Torn

You said you'll always have a place for me in your heart, then why do I feel I'm always getting pushed out. I have many sleepless nights where I ask myself if I'm making the right decisions, the right choices. A part of me wants to go, and the other part wants to stay.

A huge part of me feels there's nothing left for me here. Should I trust my feelings? Or should I keep looking and hoping that there is still something left for me in your heart?

...

You seem happy. I guess that's all that matters now.

Space

Things are a little bit easier everyday now that I am taking some time and space for myself. Not necessarily better but easier. Adapting and enjoying being single and not looking back. Hollah! =)

Give My Love Away

For someone who believes in love so deeply, I find it hard to understand how it can never be enough for some and how it can just be given away when its no longer wanted or needed.

I guess a part of me has become numb from the pain. I focused so much on loving others around me that it ended up hurting me. Now as I meet new people and get to know them, I find it harder and harder to find that sense of love. It has become superficial. It has become selfish. Perhaps Im just finding comfort in the company of others, trying to feel something.

I just feel like all the love that I had in me was taken and given away and Im not sure how to get it back and give it to someone who truly deserves it.

Sober

Its been 3 months since me and Ervin broke up. Everyday I have been learning to let go of the anger and the hate I felt towards him. Everyday I miss him but I am learning to let go without letting go of the love I have for him. I know things will be okay for me no matter where this life takes me. I know that my feelings for Ervin will remain constant, no matter how complicated or difficult it is.

During these past 3 months I have learned alot about myself. How much I can tolerate and how much patience I have. I also learned not to take anything lying down and not play the victim to those who hurt me. Yes, what happened was painful, but I cannot change Ervin's feelings for me. I am learning to live with it and moving on one step at a time.

Three months waiting for my feelings to be reciprocated. Three months realizing that its never gonna happem.

With my birthday coming up, it is time to leave the past behind and move on from these shackles I have been chained to. It is time to explore new possibilities and meet new people. It is time to open up my heart again. One step at a time. Leaving behind the hope and comfort of the life I had dreamed of with Ervin is heartbreaking, but I know I must move forward and dream bigger dreams. Maybe I will find my someone at the end of this road.

Better In Time

Does it really get better in time? It's a lot harder than I thought it would be. Sure I can try and surround myself with friends and distract myself with work. Busy myself with hobbies and tire myself to exhaustion. Beneath all of that is a broken heart trying to mask the pain inflicted by life's cruelty. So it doesn't necessarily gets better but we learn to live with and accept it.

A Little Too Not Over You

It is very hard to pretend everything is ok, that I don't carry anymore of those feelings I had for you back then. Seeing you the other night, with our friends was difficult, but I tried my best not to show it. Introducing you to people as my friend was a bitter pill to swallow. Our friends asking how things are going with us, clueless to everything that's been happening the past few months. All I could really do was bite my lip and blink continuously to stop the tears from coming out.

I am happy for you. Seeing you happy should be enough because you deserve to be happy. And I will try my very best to be there for you and support you with whatever decision or road you take.

I am saddened that you weren't able to find happiness with me. But I am glad to see you smiling again.

Heartbroken.

I Hate This Part Right Here

I am still having difficulty accepting the fact that we are just friends. Seeing him and his family brought back memories, and I realize how much I have lost. I missed not only him but his family who I thought of as my own as well. So much history has gone on between us, and yet in a sad way it is what it is. History.

I feel that he only misses me when Im not around, but when everything seems fine I feel he doesnt miss me at all. I guess its the comfort of knowing that Im always there for him no matter what, always waiting on the side lines that makes it easier for him to carry on like everythings fine.

A part of me feels hes talking to someone already, though he says he isnt. I guess I just feel the same insecurity I did back in January. Like I know theres something going on but cant put my finger on it. I just hope that he is being true and honest with what he tells me.

I am crippled by the fact that Im powerless to change the way he feels. It still hurts because deep inside I know I still love him. But I have no choice in the matter. He believes Im not the one for him and I just have to put on a brave face everytime we're together, put on a smile , swallow my pride, bury my feelings and accept it.

Because that what friends do no matter how much it hurts.

Goin Crazy

I feel like bashing my head into the bathroom mirror. =(

Selfless

I don't think its fair to ask what I would say if you ask me to get back together. Did you bring this question up because you finally realize what you lost? Or did you ask because youre realizing Im beginning to move on?

It's not fair to me. It's not fair to the people involved.

You always tell me to do what's best for me. But I cant be selfish like you. I cant just look out for myself when I know people are going to get hurt. Sometimes to do the right thing you have to be selfless.

And that's where you failed. And I refuse to follow down that same road you traveled and hurt people along the process.

Besides, why am I trippin? It was a hypothetical question.

Everlasting Damage

This whole day was uneventful. I had a lot of time thinking about everything and I cant help but think I'm damaged. How can I trust another person again? How can I put myself out there and be comfortable?

The common answer would be to just give it time.

Perhaps.

I just feel emotionally and mentally fucked over with everything thats happened. My heart and trust has been broken. Yes I have allowed some time to set in. Pretend to be happy and everything is ok. The distractions from work and friends help, but when I'm alone... like today I can't help but think that this damage that's been done to me has an everlasting effect.

The pain will heal but the scars will remain. I'm just not sure how deep the emotional and psychological damage is.

Behind the laughter and the smiles there's a broken boy behind these eyes.