Reasons and Forgiveness

I used to think that loving someone means you can forgive them for just about anything. Ive always thought that with forgiveness comes understanding. I never thought about everything else that comes with it.

I always thought about people in various types of relationships. Like why do people get married? What is the purpose behind it? Or why do people choose not to marry but just commit to a partner? Why are some people in open relationships? And what does love have to do with it?

I'd like to think I've experienced (in terms of relationships) and mature enough to try and understand these things. Take me for example: My relationships I admit are pretty much steady, they last for about 3 years or so then something goes wrong somewhere and it ends up with someone sleeping with someone else. I keep in touch with my ex whos become like a sister to me, LOL. Of course there's always going to be that sadness you feel about them when you see them because even though things are great now, there's always that 'shoulda, coulda, woulda' feeling in your heart. I usually just chalk it up to "I will always care about you' feelings. But my ex is in a much happier place now and Im happy for 'em. I forgave him and I understood his reasons for what he did. No it's not OK but I understand and I can live with it because that chapter of my life has ended.

The current relationship Im in now (if relationship is the right term, lol) is all kinds of complicated. It's been about 4 years now. A year ago was all kinds of crazies if you read my blog last year. 2009 was a year of learning for me. What I want, what I need, and what I can live with. I am currently trying to work things out with 'em. I forgave em already. In order for me to forgive I need to understand why IT happened. I need to find REASON for it. My journey doing that took me to a different course. All these reasons and understandings led me to FORGIVENESS. I guess it twisted my idea about what is OK and what is NOT OK.

What if there is NO REASON behind what they did? No... I have to find reason. I need to... it's helps me understand and forgive.

In my search to finding reason and having the heart to forgive, it opened up new views for me. Is this why people just stay in relationships and not marry? Is this why people have open relationships? They end up loving the person so much, that they understood where they were coming from. Overtime the wrongs that theyve done, not necessarily became right, but just... justifiable. And is that how it becomes... 'OK'?

For me, I am struggling with the OK and NOT OK issue. If what they did became 'OK' then whats stopping me from doing the same thing? I mean I have my reasons just as much as they do? I was able to FORGIVE EM. And if what they did was 'NOT OK'? Where does FORGIVENESS stand?

There are 2 choices that lay before me:

I FORGIVE YOU, ITS OK I UNDERSTAND or I FORGIVE YOU, ITS NOT OK BUT I UNDERSTAND

And how would these affect our road to recovery and trying to work things out? I can be "OK" with what he did and that will change my views about how relationships work or I can be "NOT OK" with what he did and struggle with finding balance between the two of us. We'll see how this one plays out... I think Im due for some time to myself.

Disappointed...

Ever feel like every thing you try to share with a friend was being disregarded? I dunno, maybe it's just me being passionate about something and month after month being refused or disregarded when I try sharing it with them. I've been here before, and honestly I don't know why I keep trying. I guess I just have a lot to share with people and there are those who are willing to be part of it and there are those who choose not to.

There a friends who sit by the sidelines and there are friends who participate in your life.

Lesson learned.

Clarity

"Mark, if he truly loved you to begin with, he wouldn't have wasted something so sacred on someone that's so insignificant and random in his life. He would have saved that "last" special moment with someone who he loved, and unfortunately you weren't that person."

As I thought about those words, the last 3 years snapped into focus. Ervin didn't really love me. I think he was in love with the idea of having me in his life more than anything.

I once read that love is not an emotion but an ability. Some people are able to love, and some simply cannot no matter how hard they force themselves to.

As I step back from the past few months, and step into something new I realize the past 3 years was just that... 3 years of life and experience. What would make it stand out from the rest of my life? My mind is blank as a canvas. Details from the last 3 years are slipping away from my memory.

I would chalk this past 3 years with Ervin... to a long-term "fling". Did I love Ervin? I'd like to think it was love. Now I'm not so sure. Let's just say I still care. *shrugs*

Friday Nite Fiasco cont.

I never really had the chance to blog this down, perhaps I was too caught up in the comical aspects of it all but, I actually learned or validated my views on certain people that evening talking to the 50 year old man who came up to me.

He told me how he could never hold down a relationship. He did not want to deal with the responsibilities, obligations, and sacrifice that it comes with. "Im just having fun", he said. "That's what life is about: experiences". As I sat there listening to him, I felt this sad loneliness underneath all that pride. Yes he talked about how he enjoyed his life, been with many different people, traveled to many different places but now as I look at him I can't help but think all that experience and where has it taken him? There's a 50 year old guy hitting on a 28 year old guy at a gay club. It makes me sad to think and even compare him to my ex. But I can see a lot of things that he said in my ex because they are the exact same things my ex had told me.

He was shocked when I told him I was in two relationships that lasted 3 years. I was amazed at how he could not fathom the thought of a long lasting relationship.

I believe that as we get older it gets even more difficult to find that certain someone. Perhaps it's because we spend so much time learning things on our own instead of learning together that it gets difficult adapting or conforming to each other's personality.

And though self-reliance and the ability to stand on one's own is an admirable trait, some people tend to forget others around them and get too caught up in themselves and their selfish wants until its too late to realize that they've moved so far ahead they left the people they care about behind. They have the ability to help you, but choose not to because it would compromise their own selfish desires.

Epiphanies & Soliloquies

During the past few weeks, it has been a very hard learning experience for me. This has probably been the longest two months that I have experienced. I have learned about people in general. Some bad. Some good. I've recently had my heart broken by someone that I loved immensely and during this time of confusion I tried to stay strong. I learned that people can swiftly get into a relationship and just as swiftly bail out. I learned that I am a very forgiving man. I am a loving man. I learned that I can forgive anything when I love someone. And though things did not end as I would hoped I learned that I can move on from this knowing that I have tried my best. I was a loyal and loving man. I was a patient and understanding partner. That's really all I can take pride in from this experience. Knowing that I was that kind of person that was worth having as a partner. Forget the superficial-ness of being the center of attention or trying to be the life of the party. Or being the guy who always has something to talk about. That's not what truly matters. That's not what builds a relationship. What truly matters is honesty and loyalty, love, patience, and understanding.

During this time of recovery I learned that I can open my heart to someone else who truly deserves it. Although badly bruised, I know I have it in me to be able to share that kind of love with someone again. Though I am not ready, my heart seem to be healing faster than I thought it would be. Thanks to supportive friends, and those who I consider family. To my old friends, thank you for your patience and understanding. And to the new, thank you for lending your shoulders and ears never expecting anything in return. Thank you for the support you have given me.

And to my fellow fish Mike... those late night conversations, nonsensical banters, and whining about life, I truly am thankful to have found someone like you to share those talks. It's nice to have found someone to share something with on a deeper level than video games. Thank you for being an understanding and patient friend through my tough times. Thank you for keeping me up when I feel down. Every laugh and every giggle means alot. And thank you for your honesty about everything.

I learned that though I am alone, I don't have to be lonely.

Gains and Losses

What have I gained from this experience?

I gained knowledge about how selfish people can be and that I need to really be careful who I give my heart to. I learned that I don't have to be quiet when I don't have to. I learned that I deserve better. Everyday I'm growing more aggressive, more assertive, more free. I learned that I don't need anyone to validate who I am.

People say that to me, but I don't think that's the case. I just like and want to share my life with someone that I love. I guess the thought of not being able to do that cripples me. People often mistake it for something else.

What have I lost from this experience?

The way I see it, it's his loss. I used to think that I was the one that lost, but I realize it wasn't me that lost something valuable. It was him. So I can move forward knowing that I still have everything that I did before I entered this relationship, and I still have everything I did when it ended. I believe I can move forward from here.

Day Three: Blame

There are many reasons I could think of to blame Ervin, but the fault does not lie on him. It lies on me. I blame myself for not fully opening up to him in the beginning. I blame myself for letting it go this far. I blame myself for hoping that this was something that I thought was going to work out.

I will take responsibility for all actions that I have taken. All the mistakes I have made. I accept that some mistakes can never be erased and have tried my very best to fix them. I tried my best.

I led with my heart and not with my head. I should have known better.

One Man's Worth...

Who I am is a force to be reckoned with. Many people underestimate what I am capable of because I'm always so nice. I'm always so humble. I'm always so quiet.

I am someone who will protect you from harm. I am someone will support your dreams. I am someone who will commit to make sure you are happy. I am someone who will love you to the ends of the earth.

My value is not measured by how much money I have or how many recognitions I receive. It is not measured by how many friends I have or how many goals I have planned out. My value is measured by how much love I am able to give.

Thirteen Step Program

These 13 steps will help me on my way.

1. I will remove Ervin from my present and my future.
2. I will detach myself from anything and everything relating to Ervin.
3. I will end all communication with Ervin.
4. I will learn something from this relationship.
5. I will not rely on others emotionally.
6. I will learn to trust people again.
7. I will surround myself with positive, caring people.
8. I will not make the same mistakes Ervin did. (rebound)
9. I will not let this experience change who I am for the worse.
10. I will not go around in circles.
11. I will look forward and not look back on the memories we shared.
12. I will give my love to someone who deserves it.
13. I will love myself more than Ervin ever could.

When Is It Over?

Q: When do you realize when it's finally over?
A: When he says it's over.

People Part I

After much thinking, I learned that there are people in this world that wants to have it all, wants to have all the fun and worry about the consequences and responsibilities later on. Then there are those who work through the hardships of this life and reap all the benefits later on.

I think I fit the latter.

It is through the hardships in life that we grow as a person. It is through the hardships that we learn the capacity of our own will and our own hearts. What lesson are we learning if our only objective is to have fun in life?

Roadblock

There has been something I have been struggling with for a while now in terms of moving forward with what happened with me and Ervin. How can Ervin and I move past what happened if he keeps bringing the past with him? I love Ervin, and I want to be friends with him, but he also feels like he needs to have that guy in his life. I don't think he understands that having "A" would be very difficult in trying to rebuild, or establish a friendship with me. How can there be a possibility of me and Ervin working things out if "A" is there lingering in the background? It would always be in the back of my mind if he keeps stringing him along. I remember asking Ervin to give up "A" for the sake of our friendship. And I said I'd wait for him to make a decision. It's been a while now since I asked him to make that decision, and he hasn't. It just tells me that what he and "A" had was much more than an encounter. It tells me that what me and Ervin had wasn't as special as I thought it was.

Kristian told me that Ervin is using the same excuses, the same reasons as he did when things fell apart between us. Ervin's not going to stop because he doesn't want to and that I shouldn't have a say with who Ervin can be friends with. Well to be honest, "A" became more than a friend. He is not just a friend anymore when Ervin crossed that line. There is a reason why "A" is different. They met when me and Ervin were still together. What is this "A" have that got Ervin so sprung? He's only met him in person twice (at least from what Ervin has told me). Kristian told me that Ervin is trying to have it both ways and to me that's being selfish. And for someone who's trying to work on himself on not trying to be selfish... I'd say this first step is heading towards failure.

If Ervin is willing to risk losing me, our friendship or whatever we may have just for that "A" guy then I have to make a decision. It's so unfair because once again, Ervin is forcing me to make the decision for him. And honestly... I think I have a 90% chance of losing this one.

Trust

How does one trust once that line has been broken? I am having a hard time trusting Ervin even as a friend. How does one recover from the ultimate betrayal? I guess one way is for earning that trust back.

What's in a Lie?

What constitutes a lie? Is a lie just a distortion of the truth? Or is it also the concealment of the truth? Is a person capable of lying always going to lie? If so, is there ever going to be a possibility of being able to trust that person again?

Jokes on Me

Last night I had the misfortune of having one of the most chat misunderstandings I have ever experienced. As I was innocently chatting and joking around with Ervin, I said something that offended him. Though unintentional, I apologized for what I said. Although some jokes are half meant, last night's joke was not intended to offend Ervin, nor was it meant in a negative way. I have called him that word before when I was really angry and honestly thought he deserved it at that time because his actions in the past was borderline definition of the word. But last night, I honestly meant nothing by what I said. It was a rough unintentional segue gone wrong.

I couldn't sleep a wink last night from all the guilt, even though it was a misunderstanding, I couldn't help but think that this bad night caused Ervin to slip further away from me. I woke up extra early today to see Ervin at the train station. I wanted to apologize in person. I still love Ervin and wouldnt want to offend him or put a strain on our friendship.

I realized I am the type of person who dwells on guilt and remorse, and I end up apologizing until I know for sure that everything is "okay". Ervin on the other hand... not so much, lol. I just need to adjust and know that when Ervin apologizes, he only says it once and I should trust that he meant it and let it be. We're like 2 sides of the same coin. Which is not a "bad" thing... If we think and act alike... it would be too much. People already think we're brothers, LOL!

So once again, on record and for the last time if you are reading this "I'm sorry Ervin".

Like A Knife...

Someone happened to share some pictures with me, that I would have not rather have seen. These breaks my heart repeatedly but I decided to keep these as a reminder as to why we never had a chance to work it out.






I goin to go out for a walk...

Goin Down One Notch at a Time

Today I dare ask the question, "How does someone get bump from 'boyfriend' to 'friend' to 'acquaintance' status? And how does one deal with it?'

I guess the answer all has to do with the person who bumped you off. First and foremost... a "break-up", something that tells you that the relationship is definitely over and that their love for you is not as strong as before or completely gone. Next, take note of how he interacts with you, and how he interacts with his friends and strangers.

If he's able to flirt with his friends (if that's what he defines them to be) and strangers and he seem to have trouble flirting with you, it usually means... your charms are now ineffective. He is no longer attracted to you. He no longer thinks of you romantically and that whatever magic existed between you two have quickly went up in smoke. He's grown tired of you.

If you ask him questions, and his answers are usually "I don't know" it usually means he doesn't want to deal with you or he just doesn't want to give you an answer. It's better that you stop questioning now because it is not going to get you anywhere.

From someone you used to share everything with, your thoughts, your feelings, your hopes, and fears... to someone who totally closed themselves off to you.

This kind of behavior often means they don't want to share anything with you anymore.

It's better to let them be.

*Note to self: READ THIS ENTRY EVERYDAY - *