Day Two: Resentment

Today I am feeling the effects of alcohol poisoning from last night. After much crying and anger, I woke up today feeling numb. All I want to do is hate Ervin.

I hate what he did. I hate what he's doing. I hate that he's putting more effort when it comes to hanging out with new people. I hate that he can't stick around and see the damaged he's caused me. I hate the way everytime I ask Ervin something, he becomes secretive, like it doesn't matter anymore and everything he does is irrelevant to what we are. I never thought Ervin would mentally and emotionally fuck me over like that. Kristian told me that if he really cared, it would show and it doesn't. What has Ervin done to show that he was remorseful? What has Ervin done to show that he cared? All but empty words. I'm trying to look for answers and all I could think about is Ervin being too caught up with moving on, moving past it, having fun and meeting new people. People shouldn't just do their damage and leave. I hate Ervin for what he did knowing that I had gone through the same thing with Kristian. Ervin's love is conditional. You have to meet certain standards and you have to have certain qualities. If you suddenly stop measuring up, then Ervin will eventually take his love away and move on. Never again will I let my heart be fooled by people like Ervin.

Kristian told me that I'm having a hard time letting go because I'm putting Ervin's face on everything I desire and want. I never really thought of it that way. He told me to put Ervin's face on everything I hated. I need to place Ervin's face on everything I don't want and disliked. I'm always trying to see the good in people that I get blinded by the bad things.

I guess I just refuse to think of Ervin differently, because I know that Ervin is a good person. But would someone who truly cared and loved me be capable of such cruelty.

I hate that this world has become such a selfish place. Ervin's an example of what this world has become. Everyone is out for themselves. It's become a dog eat dog world.

What ever happened to the heroes? What ever happened to selfless people? What ever happened to commitment and loyalty? What ever happened to loving someone because of who they are rather than what they have? What ever happened to the people who we look up to?

I understand that people have flaws, and people make mistakes. Some people choose to give up and some people choose to fix their mistakes. Apparently, Ervin chose to bail out and honestly... why am I holding on to someone who would leave me broken?