So Close

A life goes by
Romantic dreams will stop
So I bid mine goodbye and never knew

Pins And Needles

Yes you say I'm your friend. And you're glad that we are friends. That's usually what one say to a friend who has romantic sentiments to keep him at arms length.

Behind the smiles and the laughter, truth of the matter is it still hurts to see you move forward.

Yes. I want you to be happy. But at the cost of my own heart.

There's no use following the heartache that leads me back to you.

Long Day At Disneyland

I just got back from Disneyland. It was an interesting day of confusion and clarity. The guy I liked came with us. Felt like old times. It made me wonder if all my feelings for him were still there. It was great for awhile. Then BOOM!!! He's dating someone.

The guy hes talking to came and joined us.

... ... ... I was kinda sad at first but theres no room for sadness at the happiest place on earth.

He holds my hand. ... ... He holds his.
He holds my hand... ... He holds his.
He hugs me... .... ... He hugs him.

Seeing him and his date interact was a bit painful but I can really tell that the guy likes him. Even though he straights out denies it and claims that they are just friends. I can see this guy falling for the guy I liked in the same exact way that I did a few months ago. Seeing this all unravel in front of my eyes was hard to witness, but it was necessary for me to realize and reach a certain point of clarity. That the guy I liked also liked this guy he's dating. And he looked happy.

At this point I really just want him to be happy even if it's not with me. They say that the perfect act of love is sacrifice. And if I have to sacrifice my feelings for this guy just so that he can be happy. Then I would do it.

At the end of the day, Im back to where I was when I first started. I am at peace with myself. My feelings for this guy will undoubtedly linger for a while. But there really was no point in me pursuing. I just hope he's happy.

And with that said... I now know that I have to find my own happiness, perhaps it's with someone else or maybe just be at peace with being single for awhile. Either way this chapter of an unrequited love story needs to close.

Good night.

Running From The Past

Gotta keep running... but I feel my legs are ready to give and my knees may buckle. Logically, I mentally prepared myself for this situation... taking it on as maturely as I could, but as far as feelings go... it's so hard to get it back to the way things were... but I try... though I find myself asking why. Is it that treasure at the end of the rainbow I'm trying to reach? Or is it all an illusion and the reality that all I really do have is myself and that I've grown to live with it?

Where I Stood by Missy Higgins is one of my favorite songs. It best describes how I am feeling right now. I think I will sleep early. Goodnight.

Entangled Heart

I don't know why but for some reason when I think of you, everything else goes out the window and all I can think about is you. I hardly know you and yet there's this primal instinct that lures me to you. Maybe it's the way you talk, the things you say or the ideas that flow from your head, something innocent that attracts me to you. And all things that makes sense suddenly doesn't.

Everything escapes me and all I think about is you.

Which is driving me crazy because I know it will never be, but even accepting that fact, there is something inherent in both of us that draws us closer to that point.

I don't know what it is, but something in me wants to.

But alas, what I feel for you is what you feel for someone else. And I know no matter how hard I try, my feelings will never be reciprocated. Complicated is my heart, ripped apart by my wants and needs. I am a prisoner of my own desires.

But I will remain strong for both of us, for I am your friend.

Reminder

How can I go back to loving you the way I did knowing my love wasnt strong enough the first time around? Along with the great memories, scars remain underneath the surface. People say you can forgive but you can never forget...

Blog entry Number 5, January. =0(

And though it hurts me tremendously everytime I see it, looking back helps me gauge how far I've traveled from that point and how I'm a much stronger person now.

Clarity

"Mark, if he truly loved you to begin with, he wouldn't have wasted something so sacred on someone that's so insignificant and random in his life. He would have saved that "last" special moment with someone who he loved, and unfortunately you weren't that person."

As I thought about those words, the last 3 years snapped into focus. Ervin didn't really love me. I think he was in love with the idea of having me in his life more than anything.

I once read that love is not an emotion but an ability. Some people are able to love, and some simply cannot no matter how hard they force themselves to.

As I step back from the past few months, and step into something new I realize the past 3 years was just that... 3 years of life and experience. What would make it stand out from the rest of my life? My mind is blank as a canvas. Details from the last 3 years are slipping away from my memory.

I would chalk this past 3 years with Ervin... to a long-term "fling". Did I love Ervin? I'd like to think it was love. Now I'm not so sure. Let's just say I still care. *shrugs*

Torn

You said you'll always have a place for me in your heart, then why do I feel I'm always getting pushed out. I have many sleepless nights where I ask myself if I'm making the right decisions, the right choices. A part of me wants to go, and the other part wants to stay.

A huge part of me feels there's nothing left for me here. Should I trust my feelings? Or should I keep looking and hoping that there is still something left for me in your heart?

...

You seem happy. I guess that's all that matters now.

Give My Love Away

For someone who believes in love so deeply, I find it hard to understand how it can never be enough for some and how it can just be given away when its no longer wanted or needed.

I guess a part of me has become numb from the pain. I focused so much on loving others around me that it ended up hurting me. Now as I meet new people and get to know them, I find it harder and harder to find that sense of love. It has become superficial. It has become selfish. Perhaps Im just finding comfort in the company of others, trying to feel something.

I just feel like all the love that I had in me was taken and given away and Im not sure how to get it back and give it to someone who truly deserves it.

Sober

Its been 3 months since me and Ervin broke up. Everyday I have been learning to let go of the anger and the hate I felt towards him. Everyday I miss him but I am learning to let go without letting go of the love I have for him. I know things will be okay for me no matter where this life takes me. I know that my feelings for Ervin will remain constant, no matter how complicated or difficult it is.

During these past 3 months I have learned alot about myself. How much I can tolerate and how much patience I have. I also learned not to take anything lying down and not play the victim to those who hurt me. Yes, what happened was painful, but I cannot change Ervin's feelings for me. I am learning to live with it and moving on one step at a time.

Three months waiting for my feelings to be reciprocated. Three months realizing that its never gonna happem.

With my birthday coming up, it is time to leave the past behind and move on from these shackles I have been chained to. It is time to explore new possibilities and meet new people. It is time to open up my heart again. One step at a time. Leaving behind the hope and comfort of the life I had dreamed of with Ervin is heartbreaking, but I know I must move forward and dream bigger dreams. Maybe I will find my someone at the end of this road.

Changed

You ever wonder about all the experiences that made you who you are today? Are you happy with how you turned out? If you could go back in time would you change anything?

I would like to believe that I am still one of those hopeless romantics. Fall in love with the right someone, settle down and live happily ever after, hoping that nothing could ever break the relationship.

I used to be the type of person that would give their all to someone and now I'm not so sure. I would love to believe that I am still that type of person but the experiences I've had forced me to be cynical about such things.

Love are for dreamers and my past experiences woke me up from that dream. Now I am more of a realist. I am more cautious when it comes to fully giving myself to someone. My hearts shielded and the pain covered up by pretentious smiles.

Someone commented on how I dont make direct eye contact when engaging in a conversation with him. I believe that the eyes are the windows to the soul. A part of me is scared that if I make direct eye contact with someone that they will find out how damaged I am inside.

He also mentioned that I lack confidence and self esteem. To be quite honest, I've heard nothing but rejection and words that made me feel inadequate from my ex for the past few months. I dont think knowing the person I was in a relationship with, gave up and went around and got with someone else would boost up my self esteem any higher. In fact, I dont remember the last time he gave me a compliment about my personality. So yeah I'm still feeling that bitter sting of rejection and words of inadequacy. So yes, my self esteem are low right now, but I am certain it's not going to stay down too long.

I used to be optimistic, I'd like to believe a part of me still is. I guess I've become pessimistic just to shield myself from hurt.

"Don't wish. Don't start.
Wishing only wounds the heart."

"Ev'ry so often we long to steal
To the land of what-might-have-been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in"

Lines from Wicked that I found comfort and took lessons in.

Before all of this happened my self-esteem climbed at a steady pace. I found a job. I was doing something that I never thought I'd do. I was saving money. I was working out and tried eating healthier. I felt good about myself. I know I can get myself back up there again.

But the lessons I have learned from this experience changed my perspective on love and life. And my faith in man has been shaken. I am more of a realist. During this journey of self-realization I'm afraid I affected others in the process and for that I apologize. I still need time to heal and time to work on myself.

But the scars will always be there.

Damages

I know my heart's damaged. I know it will heal. But I don't think it's the fact that it's damaged that's hurting me. It's more of who inflicted them. =(

People and Places

When we ate dinner or when we watched movies, I didn't go because of the food and I didn't go because of the movie. I went because of you.

I hope someday you realize it's not about where you go, its about who you're with. And it's sad to know that the places you want to go became more valuable than the person you were with.

And I realized that it's not me that is boring but it is you that got bored. It is you who reach for the little things and I who reach for bigger things. I reach for what truly matters. I hope you figure out what truly matters to you someday.

But The Truth Remains

After all the mistakes have been forgiven. After all the hurt and regrets have been realized. After all our angers and tempers settled down. After all that's said and done. The truth remains... your love is gone.

Barf: Pisces and Libra

When Libra and Pisces come together in a love affair, theirs is a congenial and even-tempered romance. These two Signs are very compatible, making for a truly smooth-sailing love affair. Both Signs are attuned to life's aesthetic side, but they also have much to offer one another: When Pisces gets lost in a fantasy, Libra can apply that Libran proclivity for balance to help get Pisces back on track, and Pisces can return the favor by helping Libra see the beauty in love and empathy. This is an honest partnership that values truth and harmony in itself and in the world.

Libra and Pisces make great friends as well as lovers. They understand one another: Both can be indecisive and tend to work in multiple directions at once. Problems between these two are rare, but Libra can at times be too mentally manipulating for Pisces. Sometimes they can also stop mid-action due to both of their indecisive natures; if these two work on a project together -- either their love relationship or something else -- it can be difficult to get it to move forward. If these two do have an argument, they do tend to forgive and forget quickly: Libra abhors conflict and will do almost anything to avoid it, and Pisces possesses great empathy and can forgive out of understanding for their partner's position.

Libra is ruled by Venus (Love) and Pisces is ruled by Jupiter (Luck) and Neptune (Illusions). These Signs are quite compatible due to the feminine energies of Venus and Neptune working in tandem. Under Jupiter and Neptune's rule, Pisces is intensely meditative, philosophical and internal. Under Venus's influence, Libra is in love with love. Libra is the Sign of Partnership and always is more comfortable when in an intimate love affair.

*LOL THE STARS COULD HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE WRONG*

Inadequate

No it doesn't make me feel any better. I'm sorry that he treated you like an object. Perhaps it's not him that wanted it, but you. I'm very disappointed that you had taken that road, but there's nothing much I can do now. It's not much his actions that I'm concerned about, it's yours. Knowing that you seem to be trying to connect yourself to him after everything makes me feel sorry for you, for he will never see your worth as much as I have no matter how much you try. And it angers me that you have put me in back of the line for him.

You have someone here that you've known for 7 years or so. You have someone here that loves you despite all the mistakes you have made and all the hurt you have inflicted. And yet you still make me feel so inadequate.

And the sad thing is, you have turned a blind eye and will never realize it until it's too late.

When The Night Comes

When the night comes I start missing you. After my day is done, after all the distractions diminish all that is left is you.

Baggages and Damages

People shouldn't base their feelings for someone just because of the baggage they carry. It's like saying... "OK, I'll choose you cause you're going to make life so much easier for me." That is such a low superficial way of loving someone.

Brokenhearted I am.

I thought you were better than that.

Sight

Those who see with their eyes, enter love blindly.

Those who see with their hearts, enter love faithfully.

Those who see with their faith, enter love devotedly.

2 Steps Forward 1 Step Back

Yesterday was going pretty well until I got home. I started missing Ervin all over again. Always wondering how he's doing, enjoying life without me. I fell short and ended up calling him. I just wanted to say I miss him and that I still love him despite everything. I also apologized for my recent behavior.

It was pretty nice talking to him again. But the sound of his voice reassures me that there is nothing left between us. That he is just here for me as a friend. And as hard as that is to hear, I have to accept and respect his decision. A part of me is still hoping, but I know that if there is any chance of me surviving this thing I have to extinguish any hopes and dreams that I have with Ervin.

A part of me feels that Ervin is not only searching for himself, but perhaps a part of himself in someone else. It may sound ridiculous but it is possible. Perhaps that is why he kept the option open to date or meet other people. I guess a part of me is still wishing that it was me he's looking for. But I have to be smarter than that. I will not fool myself into believing that there is still a chance. I cannot afford to.