Drama-Rama

One simply does not get pulled into drama, but the actions one takes may lead one right into it.

I know my reasons and words will fall on deaf ears.

The decisions we make and the risks we take comes with compensations and consequences.
Why do you care now when you did not care for it before?

Long Day At Disneyland

I just got back from Disneyland. It was an interesting day of confusion and clarity. The guy I liked came with us. Felt like old times. It made me wonder if all my feelings for him were still there. It was great for awhile. Then BOOM!!! He's dating someone.

The guy hes talking to came and joined us.

... ... ... I was kinda sad at first but theres no room for sadness at the happiest place on earth.

He holds my hand. ... ... He holds his.
He holds my hand... ... He holds his.
He hugs me... .... ... He hugs him.

Seeing him and his date interact was a bit painful but I can really tell that the guy likes him. Even though he straights out denies it and claims that they are just friends. I can see this guy falling for the guy I liked in the same exact way that I did a few months ago. Seeing this all unravel in front of my eyes was hard to witness, but it was necessary for me to realize and reach a certain point of clarity. That the guy I liked also liked this guy he's dating. And he looked happy.

At this point I really just want him to be happy even if it's not with me. They say that the perfect act of love is sacrifice. And if I have to sacrifice my feelings for this guy just so that he can be happy. Then I would do it.

At the end of the day, Im back to where I was when I first started. I am at peace with myself. My feelings for this guy will undoubtedly linger for a while. But there really was no point in me pursuing. I just hope he's happy.

And with that said... I now know that I have to find my own happiness, perhaps it's with someone else or maybe just be at peace with being single for awhile. Either way this chapter of an unrequited love story needs to close.

Good night.

A New Day

Sometimes its better to square things off than to leave things unsettled. Each experience, even if its bad, gives us something to learn and grow on. I am at a good place now. I am at peace with myself and what I did. I learned my lesson. I regret nothing. Moving forward and no looking back. Today is a good day.

On A Positive Note...

Today I officially lost 25lbs since January. Thats the only thing thats keeping me motivated right now. To be hot. So I can say... SUX FOR YOU CUZ U COULDA HAD ALLLLLL DISSSSSS GOOODNESSSSSS!!!!! Haha

My New Tank

My new fish tank =0) Well it's the same tank I just changed the substrate to sand because I liked the look of sand. I also bought a new light for my tank. Coralife Dual Light with 10000 K and Actinic Blue bulbs... it cost me about $130.00. I had to go all the way down to the OC to buy it. I also bought some new tank mates. Gold snails, ghost shrimps, and a fire eel.

WOW! LOL -

So I broke my promise of keeping up to date. Im really really sorry, Ive been extremely busy with work. But not too busy to have fun. Will be posting pics up in a few.

My Getaway

I love love love my fish. Ive had them for about 2-3 years now. I started out with 3 platies and exploded into 30+. Of course there are some who die but with each loss, it makes room for new life. Platies are livebearers. (I dont have to worry bout buying new fish haha)



So here is my 29 Gallon fish tank. Its planted of course, though keeping the plants alive are hard because the fish tends to eat them. Some pics before I change them again. I am saving up for some new things for my fish tank.



I love staring into my tank and just getting away from reality once in a while. I find peace with my pish. If I had a pish I would dip it in patis, haha!

Busy

Sorry I havent blogged much. I will put up new pictures I promise. I just need some time. Be back up soon folks.

X Says:

While chatting with the ex, he said something profound. I KNOW RIGHT! LMAO

"Forgiveness is a permanent contract that means- whatever u did, it's all thrown out of my head- its gone- lets live now and learn from it- although that's not how i saw it before. and if i brought it up and used it against u, and i forgave u- well shame on me."

Thanks. And since you mean so much to me I'll leave this quote anonymous, hahaha.

Reasons and Forgiveness

I used to think that loving someone means you can forgive them for just about anything. Ive always thought that with forgiveness comes understanding. I never thought about everything else that comes with it.

I always thought about people in various types of relationships. Like why do people get married? What is the purpose behind it? Or why do people choose not to marry but just commit to a partner? Why are some people in open relationships? And what does love have to do with it?

I'd like to think I've experienced (in terms of relationships) and mature enough to try and understand these things. Take me for example: My relationships I admit are pretty much steady, they last for about 3 years or so then something goes wrong somewhere and it ends up with someone sleeping with someone else. I keep in touch with my ex whos become like a sister to me, LOL. Of course there's always going to be that sadness you feel about them when you see them because even though things are great now, there's always that 'shoulda, coulda, woulda' feeling in your heart. I usually just chalk it up to "I will always care about you' feelings. But my ex is in a much happier place now and Im happy for 'em. I forgave him and I understood his reasons for what he did. No it's not OK but I understand and I can live with it because that chapter of my life has ended.

The current relationship Im in now (if relationship is the right term, lol) is all kinds of complicated. It's been about 4 years now. A year ago was all kinds of crazies if you read my blog last year. 2009 was a year of learning for me. What I want, what I need, and what I can live with. I am currently trying to work things out with 'em. I forgave em already. In order for me to forgive I need to understand why IT happened. I need to find REASON for it. My journey doing that took me to a different course. All these reasons and understandings led me to FORGIVENESS. I guess it twisted my idea about what is OK and what is NOT OK.

What if there is NO REASON behind what they did? No... I have to find reason. I need to... it's helps me understand and forgive.

In my search to finding reason and having the heart to forgive, it opened up new views for me. Is this why people just stay in relationships and not marry? Is this why people have open relationships? They end up loving the person so much, that they understood where they were coming from. Overtime the wrongs that theyve done, not necessarily became right, but just... justifiable. And is that how it becomes... 'OK'?

For me, I am struggling with the OK and NOT OK issue. If what they did became 'OK' then whats stopping me from doing the same thing? I mean I have my reasons just as much as they do? I was able to FORGIVE EM. And if what they did was 'NOT OK'? Where does FORGIVENESS stand?

There are 2 choices that lay before me:

I FORGIVE YOU, ITS OK I UNDERSTAND or I FORGIVE YOU, ITS NOT OK BUT I UNDERSTAND

And how would these affect our road to recovery and trying to work things out? I can be "OK" with what he did and that will change my views about how relationships work or I can be "NOT OK" with what he did and struggle with finding balance between the two of us. We'll see how this one plays out... I think Im due for some time to myself.

B...

I feel broken. Just like how Bella felt in New Moon. I can't be fixed...

He Is Watching

So while in line for the signing of Glee, I saw this leaf on a bush that resembled very much of Jesus. I got all excited and giddy, and it brought smiles to my face. It lets me know that He is watching over me. =0)


It's Jesus

Birthday Bashed

All in all Ervin's birthday turned out okay. I still have all these feelings from last year and everything that has happened. It's sad to think that his birthday serves as a reminder of a start of a hurtful event in my life. But what can I do, I just have to bite my lip... and deal with it silently. Smile like everything is okay...

Ervin's Birthday

Here we are celebrating Ervin's 29th birthday with his family down in Orange County.


Cousin Jansen

Ukele from Hawaii

Cousin Jansen got alot of gifts from Hawaii

Just what he always wanted...

LoL Crockpot provided by Ms. Christy. Ervin has been asking for one for months... actually ever since he moved in, lol. It was great seeing his family again.

Ervin's Birthday Dinner

The gang minus 1

Take 2

Why was Don wearing sunglasses indoors?

Dinner was awesome. Birthday Menu: Baked salmon, stuffed mushrooms, spring salad, cheese and crackers (provided by Don), and wine.


The group eating

Yum

All's good in the world

Yall come back now, ya hear!

Mo Money Mo Problems

People shouldnt mix friends and money. Im feeling a bit aggravated... lesson learned.

Painted Pictures

My mind is an artwork tainted by the brush of love's cruelties. This whole year I have tried to cover up the past, the messes and mistakes permanently stained on the canvas. They say a great artist can cover up these mistakes, but alas I am no great artist. No matter how many layers of paint I use to try and cover up these mistakes, they are still there, hidden underneath... waiting for time to wash out the layers and reveal them. I feel them peeling away faster and faster...I tried using these mistakes to make something else from them, thus creating an illusion into a vision once so clear in my head and now... reenvisioned changing the way I saw things originally in my mind. A picture of a happy home...now cracking underneath. As time grows nearer to dry this nearly picture perfect painted home, I find myself clawing away at the layers... back to the way things were, back before all this happened... These paints are fresh... staining my fingers... I realize as I keep clearing away this newly painted picture... these mistakes buried underneath have dried into the canvas a long time ago. This was not how I imagined it to be...

Attraction

Attraction is often the component that brings couples together initially. It is often intertwined with feelings of closeness to another person.

What am I attracted to?

Intellect: I like a person with brains. They don't have to be Einsteins but enough to hold a conversation and put together an IKEA furniture without a manual.

Humor: A sense of humor yes. I like witty humor. Im not much of a dry or slapstick comedy fan. Im more of a MadTV than an SNL.

Personality: I like someone who's outgoing, but can also relax and stay in. I am more of an introvert and I enjoy spending time with the person I like. So if you're always out and about, we're not a match. Low-key.

Maturity: No stalker, controlling, obsessive types. Someone who doesn't take their problems to bed. Someone who can deal with the obstacles in life looking from both sides of the problem. Selfless and fair.

Body Type: Average to Built. I like average people who takes care of themselves. I don't like them too skinny or too big. A little lean muscle would be nice.

Style: Simple and Clean. I don't like em too flashy.

Tattoos: Depends on how big the tattoo is. If it covers less than 25% of a body part then I'll probably be okay. Some get it to express their artistic side. I guess I just like to work with a clean canvas. Hennas are okay, lol!

Piercings: Ears, Yes. Face, No. Body, Not really a big fan. I guess I'm the type who likes to keep it simple. Not really flashy or showy. Body piercings are not really my thing. I think that body piercings are for the most part a surgery performed for cosmetic reasons. That is why most people get it in places where it can be seen. As for sexual enhancement reasons... it probably just means your partner isn't doing enough or something wrong, LOL, which can lead one to warrant lower self-esteem issues, but I digress to the next topic...

Esteem: I like people who have high self-esteem with built-in insecurities. If its too high, they can get too cocky... and if its too low they can be a downer. I like em somewhere in the middle.

Ambition: I like people with drive. Im a dreamer so I need people who believes in me. I admire those who go after what they want and make shortcuts or detours where they need to to get ahead.

Wealth: Mo Money Mo Problems.

Wildfire

Wildfire threatened the San Gabriel ad San Fernando Valley mountains as it burns down the hillside near Glendale.

Where Did Summer Go?

Here we are chillin by the pool on a warm summer night. It was fun since it's been a long time since I was in a pool, lol. Last I can remember was when we went to Morrongo.


Mark wading at by the pool.

No spa but you can sit on the fountain, lol.

Point!

Across the water

Lost boy

Here I am

It was great being in a heated pool. Tho I still cant float my ass, I can however paddle underwater haha. I mostly stayed in the 5ft side haha! Here we are in the urban jungle.


Cheese

Wink

Time to head in and watch TV, LOL!