Love In The Club

Aww I loved last night. I saw all my friends that I havent seen in ages. I also met a couple of cute new ones. Yeay Mark! I danced the nite away with Don. He's shorter than me and A-dorable, LOL! He kinda molested me, haha. I also ran into Christy, of course she's always awesome and her boy Andrew. I ran into the San Diego kids, and some people from nor cal. Ran into Flo. The gaybors were there oh how I missed them. I officially met Edgar lol, sexy rawrrr. Haha - he got some spice. Jace was there hahaha, nuff said. Sthan n JayJulius was there. Jadan. Angelo. JR. I didnt get hit on by 50 -year olds this time. So much love in the club.

Too Much To Ask

No matter who's heart gets trampled on you will always find a way to go after what you want, or get something for free whether its wrong or whether its right. Whether its good or bad. Whether someone gets hurt or not. Trips to distant places. A night out at the musical. Or maybe even a concert with someone who fucked you over. You take advantage of who you have not what you have. I think from this perspective, I can see well enough the type of person you are deep inside. One who takes advantage of any opportunity to achieve an end, often with no regard for principles or consequences. Resourceful as some might say, but an opportunist nonetheless.

Over And Over

No matter what I do it seems like I can't escape the past that haunts me. The box of insecurities and distrust that you have opened before me keeps pulling me back. It's a small world, people talk, information gets passed across great distances and I learn more about you... time won't let it rest. I have to admit it still hurts, but what can I do but face the pain you inflicted. Don't worry this will not change the way I act around you.

I'm not angry. Just broken.

Cry

If anyone asks
Ill tell them we both just moved on
When people all stare
Ill pretend that I dont hear them talk

Whenever I see you
Ill swallow my pride and bite my tongue
Pretend Im ok with it all
Act like theres nothing wrong

Is it over yet?
Can I open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets?
Is this what it feels like to really cry?

If anyone asks
Ill tell them we just grew apart
And what do I care
If they believe me or not

Whenever I feel
Your memory is breaking my heart
Ill pretend Im okay with it all
Act like theres nothing wrong

Is it over yet?
Can I open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets?
Is this what it feels like to really cry?

Im talking in circles
Im lying, they know it
Why wont this just all go away

Is it over yet?
Can I open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets?
Is this what it feels like to really cry?

Family Ties

Annoyed. I hate it when family members make me feel guilty about trying to spend a little money on myself. Im not a selfish person, I dont ask for much. BUT DAMN! I would like to think I help my family out financially but apparently its not enough. I have other financial obligations now, I cant just keep giving them money whenever they want it. I have to make some cuts or change some thing. I keep telling them that I am saving money for a new computer in addition to paying my phone bills and rent and giving them allowances every two weeks. I get a cold slap in the face when they said I was selfish for not being able to take them out to dinner. I don't make much money but damn... I try my best to be the best supportive psuedo-son and I just cant get a break.

Already Gone

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high it
Never would've worked out right yet
We were never meant for do or die

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you now
I can't stop

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you want to cry
Started with a perfect kiss then
We could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone

- Kelly Clarkson

Better In Time

Does it really get better in time? It's a lot harder than I thought it would be. Sure I can try and surround myself with friends and distract myself with work. Busy myself with hobbies and tire myself to exhaustion. Beneath all of that is a broken heart trying to mask the pain inflicted by life's cruelty. So it doesn't necessarily gets better but we learn to live with and accept it.

A Little Too Not Over You

It is very hard to pretend everything is ok, that I don't carry anymore of those feelings I had for you back then. Seeing you the other night, with our friends was difficult, but I tried my best not to show it. Introducing you to people as my friend was a bitter pill to swallow. Our friends asking how things are going with us, clueless to everything that's been happening the past few months. All I could really do was bite my lip and blink continuously to stop the tears from coming out.

I am happy for you. Seeing you happy should be enough because you deserve to be happy. And I will try my very best to be there for you and support you with whatever decision or road you take.

I am saddened that you weren't able to find happiness with me. But I am glad to see you smiling again.

Heartbroken.

I Hate This Part Right Here

I am still having difficulty accepting the fact that we are just friends. Seeing him and his family brought back memories, and I realize how much I have lost. I missed not only him but his family who I thought of as my own as well. So much history has gone on between us, and yet in a sad way it is what it is. History.

I feel that he only misses me when Im not around, but when everything seems fine I feel he doesnt miss me at all. I guess its the comfort of knowing that Im always there for him no matter what, always waiting on the side lines that makes it easier for him to carry on like everythings fine.

A part of me feels hes talking to someone already, though he says he isnt. I guess I just feel the same insecurity I did back in January. Like I know theres something going on but cant put my finger on it. I just hope that he is being true and honest with what he tells me.

I am crippled by the fact that Im powerless to change the way he feels. It still hurts because deep inside I know I still love him. But I have no choice in the matter. He believes Im not the one for him and I just have to put on a brave face everytime we're together, put on a smile , swallow my pride, bury my feelings and accept it.

Because that what friends do no matter how much it hurts.

Friday Nite Fiasco cont.

I never really had the chance to blog this down, perhaps I was too caught up in the comical aspects of it all but, I actually learned or validated my views on certain people that evening talking to the 50 year old man who came up to me.

He told me how he could never hold down a relationship. He did not want to deal with the responsibilities, obligations, and sacrifice that it comes with. "Im just having fun", he said. "That's what life is about: experiences". As I sat there listening to him, I felt this sad loneliness underneath all that pride. Yes he talked about how he enjoyed his life, been with many different people, traveled to many different places but now as I look at him I can't help but think all that experience and where has it taken him? There's a 50 year old guy hitting on a 28 year old guy at a gay club. It makes me sad to think and even compare him to my ex. But I can see a lot of things that he said in my ex because they are the exact same things my ex had told me.

He was shocked when I told him I was in two relationships that lasted 3 years. I was amazed at how he could not fathom the thought of a long lasting relationship.

I believe that as we get older it gets even more difficult to find that certain someone. Perhaps it's because we spend so much time learning things on our own instead of learning together that it gets difficult adapting or conforming to each other's personality.

And though self-reliance and the ability to stand on one's own is an admirable trait, some people tend to forget others around them and get too caught up in themselves and their selfish wants until its too late to realize that they've moved so far ahead they left the people they care about behind. They have the ability to help you, but choose not to because it would compromise their own selfish desires.

Friday Nite Fiasco

A 50 year old came up to me and asked if I go to Ms. Kitty, a bondage club. LOL, I don't think so. Then he continued talking about smoking pot and how it boosts up his libido, LOL. I learned that he likes transexuals, and told me he'd like to visit Thailand or the Philippines because he heard there were a lot of ladyboys there. It makes me wonder why he came up to me. Did he think I look like a ladyboy? LOL! He also told me he used to talk to this flamboyant filipino and how he used to fuck the shit out of him in the parking lot. AWKWARD! He told me about his ghetto area where he lives. He said he doesnt like girls because they dont do the two most things that he liked: oral and anal, which apparently only ladyboys would do. LOL!

Very interesting conversation.

Future Angst

Now that I am alone and starting to face everything on my own, I am suddenly faced with the reality that my job might be in jeopardy. I am praying and hoping that our company will make it through this recession. I dont think I can handle another loss so suddenly and quickly.

Times like these when I feel more alone than ever. Abandoned.

I guess I have to put the Mac aside for now and hope I can make it through another year.

Mac vs. Windows

I am saving up for a new computer. Im thinking Mac. I've worked with Mac in school and I actually liked it. Its not as bad as Windows users make it out to be. Ive been on Windows for almost 10 years it has been an above average experience for me. There are times when I enjoyed it and times when i just wanted to throw my computer against the wall, LOL. I've had trojans and viruses galore. Thank God for McAfee eventhough it's annoyed me updating almost every day. Windows updates and McAfee updates took up about 50% of one of my drives. I think it's time to move on to a new format. Wish me luck.

When I think of Windows, I think of nerds, lol. When I think of Macs I think of nerds but sexier. Haha!

Windows: Nerdy
Mac: Sexy

LOL!

Whatever Makes You Happy

What makes you happy?

Is it the service, smiles and comfort that you bring to others?
Or the joy and self-gratification that you bring to yourself?

Changed

You ever wonder about all the experiences that made you who you are today? Are you happy with how you turned out? If you could go back in time would you change anything?

I would like to believe that I am still one of those hopeless romantics. Fall in love with the right someone, settle down and live happily ever after, hoping that nothing could ever break the relationship.

I used to be the type of person that would give their all to someone and now I'm not so sure. I would love to believe that I am still that type of person but the experiences I've had forced me to be cynical about such things.

Love are for dreamers and my past experiences woke me up from that dream. Now I am more of a realist. I am more cautious when it comes to fully giving myself to someone. My hearts shielded and the pain covered up by pretentious smiles.

Someone commented on how I dont make direct eye contact when engaging in a conversation with him. I believe that the eyes are the windows to the soul. A part of me is scared that if I make direct eye contact with someone that they will find out how damaged I am inside.

He also mentioned that I lack confidence and self esteem. To be quite honest, I've heard nothing but rejection and words that made me feel inadequate from my ex for the past few months. I dont think knowing the person I was in a relationship with, gave up and went around and got with someone else would boost up my self esteem any higher. In fact, I dont remember the last time he gave me a compliment about my personality. So yeah I'm still feeling that bitter sting of rejection and words of inadequacy. So yes, my self esteem are low right now, but I am certain it's not going to stay down too long.

I used to be optimistic, I'd like to believe a part of me still is. I guess I've become pessimistic just to shield myself from hurt.

"Don't wish. Don't start.
Wishing only wounds the heart."

"Ev'ry so often we long to steal
To the land of what-might-have-been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in"

Lines from Wicked that I found comfort and took lessons in.

Before all of this happened my self-esteem climbed at a steady pace. I found a job. I was doing something that I never thought I'd do. I was saving money. I was working out and tried eating healthier. I felt good about myself. I know I can get myself back up there again.

But the lessons I have learned from this experience changed my perspective on love and life. And my faith in man has been shaken. I am more of a realist. During this journey of self-realization I'm afraid I affected others in the process and for that I apologize. I still need time to heal and time to work on myself.

But the scars will always be there.

Caught Up

Yeay I feel good now that my boss is back. I'm getting more things done rather than feeling like a chicken running around with his head cut off lol. I'm catching up with everything I need to do.

Rainy Days and Mondays

It is a nice day to reflect on one's self.

Things I need to work on:

Be aggressive - outside of the bedroom
Be assertive
Project when speaking

Things I need to do:

Find the time to work out and build my image.
Spend time working on graphics 10hrs a week.
Spend wisely.

A Funny Valentine

Ok sorry I havent been able to blog this until now but my Valentine rocked lol. Let's start out with Friday, lol.

Friday, I went out clubbing and got a surprise from one of my old friends: Joami. He brought along this really cute guy named Keith, lol. I was a bit confused because he told me he was gay but the foo kept freakin with the ladies, haha. I was baffled the whole nite. Anyways we ended up staying out and I got home around 4 am.

Saturday morning, I got a call from Mike and found an abandoned stuffed bunny at the front of my landlord's doorstep with a card that had my name on it. WTF? right. LOL! Mike told me his 'friend' lived in Glendale and told him to drop it off.

La la la la,reading the card... "P.S. Yes Im really here!"

What the pho?

So I called Mike, and he told me he was down here. "OMG!" I swear I said that word a bajillion times. I can't believe he was here. "OMG!" rite?


Mike brushing his teeth, LOL!

Mike and I ate breakfast at Denny's and hiked up the park to the Observatory. We got these cool blinking keychains. After hiking we slept cause neither one of us had any sleep the night before.


I took Mike to Target so he can use up his giftcard that I gave him. Then we had dinner at my favorite sushi place, Ichiban. The wait was long but the dinner was awesome. We played connect four on my iPhone. LoL. Best part of dinner was when Mike was telling me, insisted that he was going to win the match. "I got you trapped already. I already won." Confidence, I love that in a guy. Unfortunately for him I ended up winning that same match. MWUAHAHA!!

One. Two. Punch to the ego. LOL!

We hung out by the Americana and had Pinkberry. It was a fun-filled Valentine's Day.


Peace muh pho kuh, LOL

We decided to end the night just chillin and talkin at the hotel room. The next morning we checked out and got some donuts. LOL! Mike had the plain one of course and I had the chocolate donut sprinkled with Mike's phlegm and saliva. Mmmm-mmmm LOL!

Thanks for a wonderful Valentine's Day PBF! =)

Friday the 13th

I love this day, things usually go right for me on this day. I guess it's because my whole being is surrounded by the number 13.

I got hit on at the club lol, and got 2 numbers, haha. Yeay for me.

100th Post

Lots of things going on so Im gonna try and make this entry easy to read.

I. I am very happy with my new fish friend. And I know h'es going through some things right now and only if he knew how much I missed him these past few days. I am very happy that he is reconnecting with family. Way to go FISH!

II. So I found out that Kristian might be coming down in April or May with Aaron and his mom. I can finally take him to Six Flags lol. Yeay!! It might be weird at first since I havent seen him in 5 years, but I am happy for him. And I finally get to meet Aaron, LOL. Thanks for the vocals on my voicemail. LOL.

III. Letting go once and for all. I got my answer and reached a moment of clarity. After much probing he finally said that I am not the one for him. I hate it when people say "its not you, it's me". That is like the most cowardly excuse. At least have the balls to say it instead of feeding me all these bullshit. I'm sad but I know I will be happy again.

IV. My boss comes back Friday! Yeay!

V. I had to delete all the songs on my iPod so I can fuckin restore the settings. I wish they had better options.

Well that's it for the 100th Post. Thanks for sticking around.

iPod Frustration

Ok so my iPod stopped listing all my playlist. When I plugged it in to my computer it said that iTunes cannot read the contents of my iPod and only had one option for me: restore iPod settings. So no more music for Mark. At least on his iPod anyway. I will work on it this coming weekend. Thank God my Boss is back.

Goin Crazy

I feel like bashing my head into the bathroom mirror. =(

Selfless

I don't think its fair to ask what I would say if you ask me to get back together. Did you bring this question up because you finally realize what you lost? Or did you ask because youre realizing Im beginning to move on?

It's not fair to me. It's not fair to the people involved.

You always tell me to do what's best for me. But I cant be selfish like you. I cant just look out for myself when I know people are going to get hurt. Sometimes to do the right thing you have to be selfless.

And that's where you failed. And I refuse to follow down that same road you traveled and hurt people along the process.

Besides, why am I trippin? It was a hypothetical question.

Everlasting Damage

This whole day was uneventful. I had a lot of time thinking about everything and I cant help but think I'm damaged. How can I trust another person again? How can I put myself out there and be comfortable?

The common answer would be to just give it time.

Perhaps.

I just feel emotionally and mentally fucked over with everything thats happened. My heart and trust has been broken. Yes I have allowed some time to set in. Pretend to be happy and everything is ok. The distractions from work and friends help, but when I'm alone... like today I can't help but think that this damage that's been done to me has an everlasting effect.

The pain will heal but the scars will remain. I'm just not sure how deep the emotional and psychological damage is.

Behind the laughter and the smiles there's a broken boy behind these eyes.

M.I.K.E.

LOL Mike is slowly taking over my blog.

Another Mike Minute

Mike: I'm so drunkkkkk and tired.

Mark: Aww. You sound sleepy. It's 2:30 in the morning. You should sleep.

*Mike mumbles*

Mark: What?

Mike: No. I can't.

Mark: Why?

Mike: Because it's 5 miles away.

Mark: What's 5 miles away?

Mike: The cake.

Mark: What?

Mike: The cake and the little cupcakes and sprinkles.

Mark: Um... yeah... you should sleep.

*silence*

Mark: Hello? Heeellllooooo?

*click*

*cue in sad clown music*

Announcer: (whispers) This has been another... Mike Minute.

This program has been brought to you by Alcoholics Anonymous.

Road Trip

LoL. I'm still working on a schedule to take a vacation. I need one badly. Maybe April or May... Those months are always boring lol. Hmmm so are August and September. I'll see. Mark will find a way. Mark always finds a way. Hum-diddle-dee-dum.

Do you know the way to San Jose?

Beach

It's nice to actually just hang out with friends and forget everything. The beach was very relaxing. Although it reminded me of a certain someone. It was much easier with friends around.

Crabby

LoL we ate at Joe's Crab Shack at Redondo. Yeayyyy! Can I just say... Expensive.

D.A.R.Y.L.

Me and Daryl at Rage.

I've known Daryl for almost 6-7 years now. Through out he's been a really cool guy. I met him for the first time last weekend. Both of us are designers. LOL. He is so adorable. He's much lighter than I thought he would be LOL.


Me and Daryl at the docks.

Mike on the Phone

So since I've been talking to Mike I've noticed funny little things about him. LoL. Here's a comment I posted in his blog.

"You know what I think is funny: That I hear you say "Oh Mah Gahh" when you thought you've hung up the phone and no ones listening on the other end. LOL!"

Mike told me he was so embarrassed, he'll never say "Oh Mah Gahh" again after we've hung up. Well... Mike kept to his word.

So after talking to him on the phone today, I noticed he didn't say "Oh Mah Gahh". Instead he said, "Ayayay". I wonder if this is gonna be his new signature 'sign off'. LOL!

All together now. "AYAYAY!"

Damages

I know my heart's damaged. I know it will heal. But I don't think it's the fact that it's damaged that's hurting me. It's more of who inflicted them. =(

Risks

You knew the risks. You took them anyway.

LOL

I think this is my favorite vid. Reason: Scrum-lalolumps-cioush-ness

Time For...

Another Mike Minute!!

Mark: Dont you have a headset?

Mike: Hold on. I think I have one. I've never used it.

*Mike goes and find his headset*

Mike: Yeay I found it! But its only one though. It only goes in one ear. One.

Mark: But... when your using your phone without the headset... dont you have your phone on one ear? *confused look* So what's the diff? LOL!

*Parum-Pum*

*cue in clown music*

Announcer: This has been another... Mike Minute.

This program has been brought to you by Lucky Charms.

People and Places

When we ate dinner or when we watched movies, I didn't go because of the food and I didn't go because of the movie. I went because of you.

I hope someday you realize it's not about where you go, its about who you're with. And it's sad to know that the places you want to go became more valuable than the person you were with.

And I realized that it's not me that is boring but it is you that got bored. It is you who reach for the little things and I who reach for bigger things. I reach for what truly matters. I hope you figure out what truly matters to you someday.

In Dreams

Why is it that dreams have a way of intensifying our emotions? I had a horrible dream about the ex and I woke up feeling angry. My toes hurt. I was told I was kicking in my sleep. I guess I still carry that anger and bitterness in my subconscious. It's no better that I'm awake either cause now I have to face the reality and carry those feelings I had in my dream with me. Argg!

- sent via iPhone

Epiphanies & Soliloquies

During the past few weeks, it has been a very hard learning experience for me. This has probably been the longest two months that I have experienced. I have learned about people in general. Some bad. Some good. I've recently had my heart broken by someone that I loved immensely and during this time of confusion I tried to stay strong. I learned that people can swiftly get into a relationship and just as swiftly bail out. I learned that I am a very forgiving man. I am a loving man. I learned that I can forgive anything when I love someone. And though things did not end as I would hoped I learned that I can move on from this knowing that I have tried my best. I was a loyal and loving man. I was a patient and understanding partner. That's really all I can take pride in from this experience. Knowing that I was that kind of person that was worth having as a partner. Forget the superficial-ness of being the center of attention or trying to be the life of the party. Or being the guy who always has something to talk about. That's not what truly matters. That's not what builds a relationship. What truly matters is honesty and loyalty, love, patience, and understanding.

During this time of recovery I learned that I can open my heart to someone else who truly deserves it. Although badly bruised, I know I have it in me to be able to share that kind of love with someone again. Though I am not ready, my heart seem to be healing faster than I thought it would be. Thanks to supportive friends, and those who I consider family. To my old friends, thank you for your patience and understanding. And to the new, thank you for lending your shoulders and ears never expecting anything in return. Thank you for the support you have given me.

And to my fellow fish Mike... those late night conversations, nonsensical banters, and whining about life, I truly am thankful to have found someone like you to share those talks. It's nice to have found someone to share something with on a deeper level than video games. Thank you for being an understanding and patient friend through my tough times. Thank you for keeping me up when I feel down. Every laugh and every giggle means alot. And thank you for your honesty about everything.

I learned that though I am alone, I don't have to be lonely.

One Day

One day you'll look back and
Realize what I meant to you
You will miss the warmth of my hugs
And the comfort of my arms around you
You will miss the way I kiss
How I tease your lips with mine
Breathing each others love
Dancing
Passion intensified when I'm on you
My love magnified everytime I hold you

Overlooked, you will miss the little things
I tried to do for you
I'm not rich but I tried everything to
Satisfy you
I'd give you the world if I could
Just to have you love me the way I should

Tired of the freedom I gave you
That you've always wanted
Tired of the patience and understanding I gave
That you took for granted
You got bored and took your love
Decided to trade me for things uncertain
I learned
It's not love that you seek
But the chase and the feeling of everything new
New always gets old

So enjoy this new found freedom
Cause I know you'll eventually grow tired of it
And when you're done on the merry-go-round of
Life and love

I know you're going to miss me
And the way that I have loved you

Chubby Bunny

LOL!

Heavy

How can something so small carry so much of my hopes and dreams and at the same time weigh so heavy on my heart?

Residual Anger

I don't think I'm angry anymore about whats happened in the past. I guess what makes me angry is that his feelings changed for me. He says there are different levels of love. I don't think there are different levels of love. If you love someone you'd do almost anything for them whether they are your parents, sibblings, friends, or lovers. The priorities changes, but love never changes. Perhaps it was never love at all because love endures, not conquer all our hardships and obstacles. And his love didn't last through our problems. I'm pretty sure I'll get over this. If his love for me failed... I wonder how long my love for him will endure until it finally ceased.