Still Trying... err Growing

Last night I went to the club, partially because I needed to get out, escape from life and meet new friends. A part of me was also hoping to see Ervin there and the other half wished to avoid him. I guess avoiding him was impossible. The encounter was more or less bittersweet. "It's over". I kept telling myself that repeatedly as I watched Ervin enjoy himself from afar. It was pretty hard.

I met some new friends and they comforted me. Tried to make me laugh, get me to dance. I had forgotten what that feeling was like... meeting new people. It distracted me from the issues with life and love that I've been struggling with. It distracted me so much that it began masking the pain I felt for the past few days. I started not to care and to me that's a bad thing. I need to give this pain a proper healing. I need to give our relationship the respect and time it needs to heal even if it's gonna take me months to get over Ervin, then so be it. It's so easy to just bandage it up with "distractions" and easier to give in to temptations just like Ervin did. I'm not going to do that because what we had meant so much more to me just to use distractions as a bandaid. It would be easier I admit, but I won't grow as a person if I did that. I will become an uncaring and selfish person and I cannot let that happen. I cannot let myself make the same mistakes Ervin made. I cannot let myself willingly make mistakes just for the sake of "learning" from it. The first time should have been enough. I've made the same mistakes before. So why would I want it to continue?

Surveying my surroundings I started to think clearly... is this what I really want in my life. Is this the kind of environment that I want to keep hanging on to. Do I really want to go clubbing every week? I am turning 29 this year and really had to focus on what I want. Clubbing is great, it's a distraction from life, but is this what I want to carry with me throughout my adulthood. The answer is... no. But the temptation of this lifestyle has its own gravitational pull. It's the only place where you can actually feel comfortable about yourself, dance the night away, make out with whoever you want to without anyone judging you about your orientation. The temptation is great. And there's always reasons... "I had a bad week", "I worked so hard I earned this", "I feel lonely and need to connect with someone".

I promise myself that I would not let myself get carried away in this kind of lifestyle. I need to be better, grow wiser. I need to find another outlet.