Yesterday was going pretty well until I got home. I started missing Ervin all over again. Always wondering how he's doing, enjoying life without me. I fell short and ended up calling him. I just wanted to say I miss him and that I still love him despite everything. I also apologized for my recent behavior.
It was pretty nice talking to him again. But the sound of his voice reassures me that there is nothing left between us. That he is just here for me as a friend. And as hard as that is to hear, I have to accept and respect his decision. A part of me is still hoping, but I know that if there is any chance of me surviving this thing I have to extinguish any hopes and dreams that I have with Ervin.
A part of me feels that Ervin is not only searching for himself, but perhaps a part of himself in someone else. It may sound ridiculous but it is possible. Perhaps that is why he kept the option open to date or meet other people. I guess a part of me is still wishing that it was me he's looking for. But I have to be smarter than that. I will not fool myself into believing that there is still a chance. I cannot afford to.
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nooooooooooooo
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