Changed

You ever wonder about all the experiences that made you who you are today? Are you happy with how you turned out? If you could go back in time would you change anything?

I would like to believe that I am still one of those hopeless romantics. Fall in love with the right someone, settle down and live happily ever after, hoping that nothing could ever break the relationship.

I used to be the type of person that would give their all to someone and now I'm not so sure. I would love to believe that I am still that type of person but the experiences I've had forced me to be cynical about such things.

Love are for dreamers and my past experiences woke me up from that dream. Now I am more of a realist. I am more cautious when it comes to fully giving myself to someone. My hearts shielded and the pain covered up by pretentious smiles.

Someone commented on how I dont make direct eye contact when engaging in a conversation with him. I believe that the eyes are the windows to the soul. A part of me is scared that if I make direct eye contact with someone that they will find out how damaged I am inside.

He also mentioned that I lack confidence and self esteem. To be quite honest, I've heard nothing but rejection and words that made me feel inadequate from my ex for the past few months. I dont think knowing the person I was in a relationship with, gave up and went around and got with someone else would boost up my self esteem any higher. In fact, I dont remember the last time he gave me a compliment about my personality. So yeah I'm still feeling that bitter sting of rejection and words of inadequacy. So yes, my self esteem are low right now, but I am certain it's not going to stay down too long.

I used to be optimistic, I'd like to believe a part of me still is. I guess I've become pessimistic just to shield myself from hurt.

"Don't wish. Don't start.
Wishing only wounds the heart."

"Ev'ry so often we long to steal
To the land of what-might-have-been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in"

Lines from Wicked that I found comfort and took lessons in.

Before all of this happened my self-esteem climbed at a steady pace. I found a job. I was doing something that I never thought I'd do. I was saving money. I was working out and tried eating healthier. I felt good about myself. I know I can get myself back up there again.

But the lessons I have learned from this experience changed my perspective on love and life. And my faith in man has been shaken. I am more of a realist. During this journey of self-realization I'm afraid I affected others in the process and for that I apologize. I still need time to heal and time to work on myself.

But the scars will always be there.