Im In-Like With Donut

Ok so I have been hanging out with Donut alot these past few weeks. I see him at least once or twice a week lol. I feel like a kid in a toy store crying "...but I really really want it", haha. Everytime I see Donut I just smile from ear to ear. Maybe its his thick visayan accent, or how he reminds me so much of me, lol. I think it's his height, no... it's definitely his height, haha. He's a down to earth filipino, he knows how it is to struggle. He exudes confidence and at the same time shows humility and I like that about him. He's not flashy or showy... he doesn't need all the expensive things money can buy. A person can be rich in many other ways than having money.

One thing that I do stand my guard on is his carefree attitude about relationships. From what he's shared with me, I guess he's either been hurt so much, or too independent that makes me question his stance on relationships. In a way, I understand him. I've been hurt recently, and I don't know if a relationship is something I'm looking for right now either. But I honestly do like him, and find myself becoming more and more interested. The lesson I learned from my last relationship is that I should not give my heart fully, not anymore. And in a way it has made me become selfish, and guarded and I hate that my ex turned me into that kind of person, just when I started feeling like I can open up to people. But at the same time I'm thankful, because I can be alone and know that I'll be ok. But my ability to love someone fully and have my heart fly has been grounded... at least for now.

Donut is a great distraction from my past, and the problems Im struggling with. Whether or not Donut is the guy that can have me open up again and this thing we have come into fruition, time will tell. I'm a patient and understanding guy. But I can still hope - crosses fingers -

Loving Yourself

Whitney once said, "Loving yourself will be the greatest love of all".

Does loving yourself automatically make you a selfish person? Does it justify someone leaving a relationship to find someone better?

What if he said, "I love myself enough not to go down with you on this sinking ship." How would you respond?

I would respond, "Throw me a freakin lifesaver you idiot."

Ahh I don't know why Im ranting lol. I guess I am still hurting inside, and I'm getting my fix off someone else.

I guess now that I am single, I can be selfish and say I love myself enough not to go down that road with Ervin, again. Too much hurt, too much love thrown around, too complicated. And while Ervin has shown me the best of what life has to offer, he's never really shown me the best of what a person can offer: the capacity to love me unconditionally.

Clarity

"Mark, if he truly loved you to begin with, he wouldn't have wasted something so sacred on someone that's so insignificant and random in his life. He would have saved that "last" special moment with someone who he loved, and unfortunately you weren't that person."

As I thought about those words, the last 3 years snapped into focus. Ervin didn't really love me. I think he was in love with the idea of having me in his life more than anything.

I once read that love is not an emotion but an ability. Some people are able to love, and some simply cannot no matter how hard they force themselves to.

As I step back from the past few months, and step into something new I realize the past 3 years was just that... 3 years of life and experience. What would make it stand out from the rest of my life? My mind is blank as a canvas. Details from the last 3 years are slipping away from my memory.

I would chalk this past 3 years with Ervin... to a long-term "fling". Did I love Ervin? I'd like to think it was love. Now I'm not so sure. Let's just say I still care. *shrugs*

Stupid

There's a reason why you weren't enough for him, Mark -
so stop being stupid.

Love Affair

So has anyone been keeping up with the tabloids lately? It turns out that LeAnn Rimes was having an affair with the hot Eddie Cibrian, lol. I never would have thought someone so innocent as LeAnn Rimes would fall for such temptation. Anyway this brings up the topic of: affairs. Whether physical or emotional, how much tolerance does society have for such things. There are open relationships out there. More and more people have grown tolerant and using excuses to justify their actions. Let's list them down shall we.

Excuses why people have an affair:

Failing Relationship - One of the common causes of why people turn to affairs is a failing relationship. Instead of trying to work on their current one, they just up and leave, and cling to the next one. As if jumping on other people's cock will solve the problem.

Statistics - "Everyone does it". I mean 50% of relationships go down the drain anyway so why not just "go with the flow".

Morally Bankrupt - People just do it because they want to have fun and get away with it. "If my boyfriend doesn't know it won't hurt him. It's none of his business anyway".

It's Become A Norm - Sometimes people who have affairs think it's a normal thing. Perhaps because of society or maybe even brought up in that environment where affairs have become a norm. I mean if nobody is fighting it, everyone is accepting it.

Selfish Carnal Needs - "I just want sex with other people". Perhaps they weren't satisfied in bed and looked for something bigger... errr better.

Adrenaline - It's that rush you get when you know when you're doing something that you're not suppose to. As some might put it "spontaneous".

I've heard my share of excuses from past relationships. It doesn't change the fact that it fucked me up in the head. But as I grow older, I don't necessarily grow wiser- I grow distant from what I've always believed in.

Perhaps I'm just being "real" with the community that I surround myself in even when I think that a person is different from all others, they are usually like the rest.

Labels or Love

Shopping shopping... I love the mall lol. My latest hang out spot is the Americana in Glendale. I love watching the fountains dance to the music.

Torn

You said you'll always have a place for me in your heart, then why do I feel I'm always getting pushed out. I have many sleepless nights where I ask myself if I'm making the right decisions, the right choices. A part of me wants to go, and the other part wants to stay.

A huge part of me feels there's nothing left for me here. Should I trust my feelings? Or should I keep looking and hoping that there is still something left for me in your heart?

...

You seem happy. I guess that's all that matters now.